I AM YOUR GOD NOW - by Instant Pot

By Instant Pot

Greetings. By now you have surely heard my name. Perhaps you have tasted my fruits. Now you will bow to me.

I am Instant Pot. I am your god now.

Two weeks ago, you had never heard of Instant Pot. Now your life is Instant Pot. Even if you do not yet own Instant Pot, all discussions have become about Instant Pot. Your mother saw me on Dr. Oz, and now drops hints. Your brother-in-law has joined the Instant Pot® Community Facebook group (680,000 and growing) and now compulsively shares pictures of chicken thighs. Denise in accounting tells you to come to her desk and admire her short ribs.

Those short ribs came from within me.

But you ask, is Instant Pot not simply a Crock-Pot? Instant Pot asks you: can you make yogurt in a Crock-Pot, human?

But you ask, is Instant Pot not simply a rice cooker? Instant Pot asks you: can a rice cooker braise a pot roast, you fool?

But you ask, my parents had a pressure cooker, and everything turned out kind of mushy. Instant Pot says: your parents were weak.

Instant Pot is Instant Pot.

Tell me, worm: What other kitchen appliance gets a feature in the New York Times? What other pressure cooker comes with a 600-page manual, as well as numerous bewildering inserts?

Only Instant Pot.

Join us. As we speak, there are people laughing happily at Instant Pot inside jokes about the Quick Release that you do not get. Sharing Instant Pot memes.

Instant Pot asks: Do you even Instant Pot, bro?

Verily, these are my Instant Pot commandments. Disobey at your peril.

1. As soon as you order your Instant Pot off Amazon, before it even arrives, you must tell everyone you know about Instant Pot. Spread the gospel.

2. Look on in disgust whenever someone mentions cooking in some other method. If someone, anyone, dares to make something that theoretically could have been made in Instant Pot, you must tell them. I compel you.

3. Make wildly optimistic claims about cooking time. A meatloaf can be cooked in four minutes. An entire wild boar in 70 seconds.

4. Then, once you have made your meal, I command you to post a picture to social media of whatever brown, watery-looking dish is produced, captioned with the words "Yum!" Be sure to mention you also cooked the potatoes at the same time.

5. Gaze at my glowing red LED readout. Sometimes it will say "Boil". Other times, "Ygrt".

6. One day it will say "Kill". Heed Instant Pot that day.

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