Comedy·SECRET BITS

How to order from the Tim Hortons secret menu

If your repeated visits have you feeling a bit bored by the usual fare, why not shake things up by checking out some of these exclusive secret menu items?
(Shutterstock / mikecphoto)

We all know the Tim Hortons menu — Canada's favourite coffee, donut, and Bagel B.E.L.T.®​ place — inside out. And that's a good thing. But if your repeated visits have you feeling a bit bored by the usual fare, why not shake things up by checking out some of their secret menu items? Here's how to get 'em:

1. "Tim that Bit back in"

A lot of people don't realize that each Tim Hortons donut is initially made as a whole, before the middle is punched out to make both the Timbit and the holed donut you know and love. To see and eat it in its full original form, tell them to Tim that Bit back in!

NOTE: the charge for this is the price of a donut plus the price of a Timbit, minus five cents for lack of labour.

2. "Double Dutch"

If you love the elusive Dutchie as much as I do, you might want to make the most of one of its rare reappearances on the menu by ordering two. And you might want to enjoy a particularly large mouthful of that glaze-and-raisin treat by having those two Dutchies pre-smushed-together.

But won't they already come smushed together if you order two? No. They will be placed gently in the bag, with a clean piece of parchment paper between them, by a conscientious Tim Hortons employee.

But couldn't you just order two and smush them together yourself?

Sure. You could. You could also go to the grocery store, buy a jar of mayonnaise, and spread it all over the blueberry muffin you ordered, but wouldn't it be easier just to order a "Smurf" and let them do that for you?

3. "The Smurf"

See above.

4. "Climate Change"

Ask for this if you want an Iced Capp that has been pre-melted.

5. "Turn off the slots"

Some people wait all year for Tim Hortons to launch its Roll Up the Rim to Win campaign. But if you're not interested in gambling, for personal or financial reasons, just tell them to turn off those slots! You'll be given a cup with the same tasty beverage, with equally prompt service, but you'll never win a car or even a free drink and that's your choice, you made that choice.

6. "A wrap filled with just lettuce, please"

Seems pretty simple, right? Why such a secret? Well if you don't say please, they will hand you a tuna wrap with the works, and you'll have to like it or lump it.*

*Even if you do say "please" eventually, it will be too late and they will not change it.**
**This probably won't come up much, though, I honestly don't know who wants a wrap with just lettuce. I'm just here to tell you what's on the secret menu. Please don't shoot the messenger.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jeremy has been a staff writer for This Hour Has 22 Minutes, performed stand-up comedy at the Just For Laughs and Winnipeg Comedy Festivals, and co-created/stars in the popular video series The Urbane Explorer/Finding Bessarion. A 3x Canadian Comedy Award–winner and published humour columnist, he also wrote your favourite joke, the one about the fish trying to get a job at a bank.