How to do a year's worth of preparation in the 15 minutes before your dentist appointment

It's always the same. You leave your dentist appointment feeling fresh, feeling clean, and vowing that you're going to do everything in your power to maintain that feeling of healthy teeth the whole year through, until your next appointment.

Cut to: roughly one year later. You realize your next dentist appointment is today, and you've gradually slacked off on the whole "taking diligent care of your teeth" thing.

MINUTE 1: Your dentist's office is about five minutes away. Better start walking, and better stop eating.

MINUTE 2: Okay, give it another minute. You can eat while you walk.

MINUTE 3: Pop into Shoppers Drug Mart and buy a brand-new toothbrush, dental floss, and a  tube of toothpaste. I know, you already have all of those, but that toothbrush is worn down to nothing, you can't find the end of the floss, and the toothpaste — well, you'll find out in a minute.

MINUTE 4: This minute will be spent waiting for a cashier to come by, because it is an established fact that Shoppers Drug Mart has no employees.

MINUTES 5–9: As you walk, think of relatively convincing excuses for not having taken good enough care of your teeth over the past year. "I've been pretty busy," or "Oh okay, I remember you mentioning that technique, I guess I've been doing it a bit wrong though" (you haven't been doing it at all, in fact it left your mind the second you departed the dentist's office last time).

MINUTE 10: Immediately after entering the waiting room, check in with the receptionist. Greet her warmly. You can always maintain your great relationship with her. You'll never disappoint her. There's no way the dentist tells her what goes on back there. You don't think…

MINUTE 11: Head to the bathroom of the dentist's office. Take your brand-new toothbrush out of its package, and do the same with the toothpaste. Empty the entire tube of toothpaste onto the toothbrush.

MINUTES 12 & 13: Brush like mad. Infuse your very being with the idea of tooth-care. They'll sense it. They'll know that was your most recent thought and activity. They're dentists. And like a criminal turning toward God in the last second of his life, it will count for something, and might save you altogether.

MINUTE 14: You're going to have to spend some time in the waiting room. What better place to floss for one minute or longer? Meet them halfway, though. They're not expecting you to have flossed only once in a whole year. Who puts in that little care for their own teeth? So floss 365 times in that minute. Yes, a little effort will be required. Sorry if that comes as a surprise to you!

MINUTE 15 (or whenever you're called in): You won't be able to eat for about an hour after your appointment, so scarf down a quick snack as you head in. If you can, fit in a quick floss afterward (maybe while the dentist goes to get some of her dentist stuff).

AFTER APPOINTMENT: Well, that was embarrassing, but you feel great now. Let's keep this up all year long.

THREE HOURS LATER: Hmm, you can brush tomorrow morning, you're pretty tired tonight.

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