Give me all the Royal Wedding commemorative merch

The world is a vampire, so I've chosen to take solace the only way I know how: I'm investing myself deeply in Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's engagement.

For short periods of time, I pretend that I live in a world where this is the important thing to have happened, and that both Meghan and Harry are my close and personal friends whose happiness I am truly invested in.

And to commit to my emotional investment, I'm investing financially. We're mere hours from a tidal wave of Meghan and Harry commemorative merchandise, and reader, I plan to own it all. Especially if it includes the following:

Commemorative coffee

I say this because I'm drinking coffee, and because I'm a genius. So think about it: Meghan Markle is American. She is not English, she is not "tea time." She is one of us. She is you. She is me. And few things represent the amalgamation of our two continents like a limited-edition coffee that is universally beloved. Or, at the very least, not upsetting in any way.

A Suits DVD box set

I don't watch Suits and I don't intend to, but I would be fine with audio commentary voiced only by Meghan and Harry, especially if they just talked about what they were up to over the weekend.

Actual suits

Because I mean, why not?

Any cosmetic/hair product

Let's just get one thing out of the way: Meghan Markle's hair is fantastic and so is her makeup (and also her style, but look: it's not like we're going to abandon our own aesthetics to dress like a famous person). So may I suggest a limited-edition line of lipsticks and/or eye shadows and/or highlighters and/or everything she uses because some of us will buy any celebrity-made beauty product and nothing can stop us. Some of us have spent real savings on Fenty Beauty and have trolled the internet for Gigi Hadid's collaboration with Maybelline. Some of us are weak. And some of us (but especially me) would buy anything Meghan told us to buy.

Trousers

And since I should include Harry, we might as well get psyched for a line of commemorative Dockers. I swear, dude has never worn jeans.

Button-up shirts

You may not know much about Meghan Markle, and you may be lacking information about Harry, but try finding a photo in which neither of them is wearing the crispest, cleanest, button-up shirt in the history of all shirts. Now imagine one emblazoned with a commemorative wedding image. Because I imagine it. I imagine it every day.

Toy corgis

Meanwhile, since Markle dazzled the Queen's corgis, might I suggest a few small, stuffed toy corgis clad in commemorative wedding scarves. I can't suggest selling real corgis since that would be absolutely inhumane.

Jam

Jam is boring and I hate buying it. But I would buy the hell out of commemorative jam, and I say this because I bought Downton Abbey jam and tea back in 2014 and would absolutely do it again.

Honestly, any boring housewares

Think about all the boring things we have to buy: dish soap, toilet paper, Windex, Kleenex, Q-Tips, margarine, garbage bags. Buying all of these things makes me want to die and at no point in my childhood did I imagine growing up to be a person who cares about which fabric softener was cheapest. So let's make it easy: Meghan/Harry Commemorative Everything™. Because when I throw a dryer sheet into the dryer, I want to tell myself I'm doing a service to my close and personal best friends who might as well be family.

Also, I bet all of it would be of the highest quality, too.

Slippers

One would be Harry's face, the other would be Meghan's. And I would wear them absolutely everywhere.

A notepad on which to make lists and only lists

If available, I would do all my writing on a commemorative notepad as though computers no longer exist.

If any of the above come to pass, someone owes me royalties. Either as money or as admission to the Royal Family as godmother or aunt or weird, eccentric friend with the phenomenal slippers.

Congratulations to us all.

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