'Marley & Me' sued for touching the Queen

LONDON, UK—A concerned group of attendants who handle the daily affairs of Queen Elizabeth II is suing the makers of the 2008 film Marley & Me after it violated a longstanding etiquette rule and touched the Queen late on Sunday night.

"Her Majesty had made a huge-ass bowl of popcorn, gotten into her Dora the Explorer jammies, and turned on that ignorant, uncivilized excuse for a film around 9 pm local time last night," explains an anonymous Buckingham Palace aide.

• RELATED: Court rules Queen can now touch Governor General once when he least expects it
• RELATED: In celebration of 65 years on throne, Queen asks for "a fun mug" and for India back

"The unfortunate incident occurred at precisely 9:23 pm," the aide recalls. "It was when the titular Marley first ambles into Jennifer Aniston's arms. You see, Aniston's character is contemplating motherhood, the tenderest of pursuits, and decides to get a golden retriever puppy as a way to test out her readiness for children. That's when Her Majesty sighed ever so gently, her Royal Pupils welled up, and so of course I sprung up from my cold metal stool in the corner of the room to investigate the matter."

The aide immediately paused the film, knelt shaking beside Queen Elizabeth, and asked gravely, "Did – did this film just touch you? Please tell me it didn't touch you. Is that what I just witnessed here tonight?"

Queen Elizabeth nodded solemnly, stating the four words that instantly triggered an entourage of 74 attendants to mobilize into a flurry of urgent action: "I have been touched."

Sir Clavicle Farmington-Lord, the Queen's official barrister, says he has brought suit against the offending film this morning and will be seeking damages in the millions of dollars.

"It's quite simple, really: the rule about not touching the Queen must be respected at all times," Farmington-Lord explains. "Perhaps the director of this infernal motion picture should have considered that before crafting such a profoundly moving tale that so aptly captures the timeless bond between man and beast."

"Come on, David Frankel," he added, exasperated, as he adjusted his disturbing blonde courtroom wig. "You know how the Queen feels about her corgis and other such shaggy and delightful little scoundrels. Getteth thy shit together, sir."

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.