In celebration of 65 years on throne, Queen asks for "a fun mug" and for India back

LONDON, UK—Queen Elizabeth II celebrated her 65th year on the throne of the United Kingdom this week — also known as her "Sapphire Jubilee"— and according to all available reports she did not want too much of a fuss made.

The Queen reportedly wanted nothing more than to spend the day with her grandchildren, to receive "a wacky mug" with a humorous slogan such as "I Pretend To Work, They Pretend To Pay Me!," and finally, for the restoration of the Republic of India to the status of colony under her full dominion and control.

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According to a palace spokesperson, on the official day of celebration the Queen rose at dawn for breakfast with her family, including Prince William, his wife Kate Middleton, and Prince Harry, before going for a garden walk with her great-grandchildren George and Charlotte.

She then made a brief stop at 10 Downing Street, to shout in no uncertain terms into the visage of Prime Minister Theresa May that the empire has become weak, yes far too weak, humiliatingly weak, and that "we must do all we can return to its former state of absolute domination, with the Indian subcontinent as merely the initial domino in a series that will fall as quickly as you can say 'empire.'"

The Queen is expected to attend an afternoon mass held in her honour alongside Prince Phillip, followed by brief public remarks, and then far more extended private remarks at home, in which Her Majesty is expected to rant and rave at a portrait of her father and predecessor George VII, condemning him as "soft and foolish" for his role in allowing "our precious southern jewel" and other such former colonies to "drift out of our clutches like so many ravishing boats in the royal fleet."

According to insiders, despite her great wealth and power the Queen is surprisingly easy to please, and reportedly would be satisfied with nothing more than a cup that bore the slogan "I don't procrastinate, I pro-CAFFEINATE!" as well as the knowledge that the military is taking precautionary steps toward mobilizing themselves for a re-taking of all former English protectorates, during the demanding of which the Queen would likely smash the humorous mug into one thousand pieces, one for each shamefully lost territory of the shining realm.

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