Freezie-related side-of-mouth injuries already up 80% over last year

According to anecdotal reports and local emergency room records, Canada is facing an epidemic.

Due to assorted factors that may include the delightful weather of late, as well as the fact that 5,000 terrible things are going on in the world at any given time, doctors are struggling to keep up with a minor, but significant injury that can result from the seemingly harmless decision to reach for a sweet, cold, juicy treat.

This injury is, specifically, the destruction of the sides of the mouths of many innocent individuals who are just trying to enjoy a delicious snack, be it orange, red, purple, white, or to a lesser extent, blue.

We reached out to Dr. John Hopkins (no relation), a Windsor-area doctor, for comment.

"Certainly it's a danger, and I'm seeing the ill effects of these cylindrical temptations on the rise. I refer here only to the large-style freezie, which of course is the one that does the real damage. A small freezie is fairly harmless, a mere trifle, but the combination of the large-style freezie's surface area and the deadly jagged plastic with which it's constructed make for a dangerous weapon. They could at least consider encasing it within some other, softer substance."

"I don't know what that would be. I'm a doctor, not a...whatever sort of person would design a new freezie wrapper. I don't even know what that job would be called. I'm a doctor, not a job-namer."

As many areas across the country move beyond 25 degrees Celsius, there are only three certainties: 1) No matter how delicious and needed a given freezie is, please consume safely, slowly, and with an adequate amount of freezie pushed out the top of the wrapper; 2) injuries will continue to occur at a record rate unless we do so; and 3) the blue ones are honestly not all they're cracked up to be.

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