Apple unveils groundbreaking iPhone with respiratory system, reptilian brain function

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—After months of speculation, Apple CEO Tim Cook has unveiled what may be the company's most revolutionary product yet: the iGenesis, a semi-autonomous next-generation iPhone made of organic tissue.

"What this product does is extraordinary," said Cook while holding up the nightmarish device for his enthusiastic audience to see. "Not only does it have all the functionality iPhone users love, it can metabolize oxygen and respond to stimuli with its own nervous system."

"It's not just the next evolutionary step for Apple technology," he added as the iGenesis gurgled and pulsated in his hands. "It's also the next evolutionary step in evolutionary steps."

Cook went on to introduce several unique features of the forthcoming device, including internal organs, mucous membrane, primitive brain, flesh outer casing, and a groundbreaking charging port.

"Unlike previous devices that require an electrical outlet to recharge, the only thing the iGenesis needs is you," he explained while presenting its patented umbilical charging system using his own body.

"Simply port the iCord into your own bellybutton," he demonstrated, coaxing 'oohs' and 'ahhs' from the impressed audience. "The iGenesis makes bulky, inconvenient wall chargers a thing of the past."

While some Silicon Valley observers have raised questions regarding the shortcomings of the much-hyped product/beast, few doubt it will take the consumer technology market by storm this fall.

"I think the iGenesis will appeal to Apple's most hardcore fans, particularly those who have dreamt of absorbing an iPhone into their own cellular composition," said Chuck Grovner, a market analyst at Forrester Microsystems. "But a lot of average folks will be turned off by the way it screams and drools out of its toothy mouth-like orifice. Not to mention the fact that it's designed to grow when you feed it."

"That said, they're gonna sell a million billion of these abominations," Grovner concluded.

Though the iGenesis doesn't hit shelves until later in the fall, Cook and his team of innovators are already hard at work with iGenesis 2.0.

"The best thing about iGenesis is it's just the beginning," said Cook. "Expect big things from the iGen 2.0. Asexual reproduction? A paleomammalian cerebral complex?"

"The sky's the limit," he concluded while cleaning up the device's poo.

Don't miss anything from CBC Comedy - like us on Facebook.