Comedy·CRY FOR HELP

A letter to my newborn son: Be kind, work hard, be honest and help me boy, I've fallen into a mine

I hope one day you meet a wonderful girl or boy that fills your heart with joy. I hope you give yourselves to each other fully. I also hope he or she has a rope and maybe a truck with a winch.

Dear Braydonn,

What a gift you are to me and your mother. I knew, as soon as I held you in my arms for the first time, that my life would never be the same. And while I haven't always done everything perfectly in my life, here are a few words that I think will help you in yours:

Be kind

Work hard

Be honest

And also, quick get help son, I have fallen into the old mine at the edge of the property.

I hope one day you meet a wonderful girl or boy that fills your heart with joy. I hope you give yourselves to each other fully. I also hope he or she has a rope and maybe a truck with a winch.

I am in the mine.

You're far too young and too innocent to understand this now, but the world can be a difficult place, my boy. You will face disappointment, people who will treat you cruelly, and you will encounter bad luck. Bad luck like falling into a disused mine.

There is some water down here, son.

Braydonn, I'll try to explain each of the pillars of my worldview to you, and also I think my leg is broken.

Kindness

I have found that you receive back from the universe that which you put out into it, so you might as well extend kindness to all those around you. Please also extend to all those around you that I am in the mine.

Work hard

Any success I have had has been the result of hard work. I have been fortunate that my hard work has allowed me purchase this sprawling ranch that, apparently, contains a poorly-marked mine. There are no shortcuts in this life. In fact, what is perhaps my biggest failure was the result of taking a literal shortcut while trying to get to the mailbox.

That mistake was falling into a mine, my dear sweet boy.

Be honest

There will be times when you are tempted to be untruthful, when you think it may be better to tell an easy lie than a difficult truth. But let me tell you this Braydonn: There are many snakes down here.

Some will call this advice old-fashioned or corny. Some will also question the wisdom of entrusting my rescue to a one-month-old infant who won't even be able to read these instructions until years from now. These are the same naysayers who will ask how I'm going to get this letter out of the mine in the first place.

Let them. I know you will grow into a strong, kind, honest man who will be skilled with ropes and harnesses, please hurry.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Paul Beer is a Toronto-based comedian, actor and writer.