A 4-star Yelp review for Jurassic Park even though I lost my entire family

Me and the wife Deborah (Deb) were a little overworked from our business, crafting artisanal candles that smell like the emotion you felt on the first day of elementary school. So we decided to take the whole family — us, the two kids, and Pappy — on a much-needed vacation to Jurassic World (formerly Jurassic Park for legal reasons, because of all those dead scientists, researchers, black op military operatives and shady businessman with nefarious ulterior motives for recreated dinosaurs used as military weapons or something).

First off: wow, what an experience.

I'll never forget the pteranodons' solemn, dignified beauty and grace as they broke free and flapped their wings whilst making off with our youngest. Don't blink, because brother when I tell you that they are fast, I mean they are fast. Roadrunner like. We were sprinting with all we had in the tank and those pachycephalosaurus were just blowing by us, trampling many in our tour group, or what was left of it.

I'm going admit something really obvious that I feel silly about not addressing initially: I had no idea what a mosasaurus was. There. Confession over. If you also subscribe to my level of ignorance may I suggest watching one of their sensational feeding shows. You NEED to get there early as lines are very long. We learned that lesson the hard way and missed the 1:15 show. Fortunately for us we got see it eat up close when this awe-inspiring aquatic lizard leapt from its tank to eat a poor young lady whom two pterosaurs were fighting over. The splash from it breaching the water packs quite a wallop, so make sure to take advantage of the free plastic raincoats they hand out at the entrance.

Obviously I'm not going to gloss over the big news that I'm sure you are aware of: the new Indominus Rex exhibit.

What a powerful, smart, intelligent creature forged from the depths of the terrifying nightmares of evilest of demons. If I were to tell you that I nearly BM-ed the old cargo shorts I'd be lying, because I DID! I mean, an animal that hunts for sport with the ability to camouflage, with the bite strength of two full grown T-Rexes plus the speed and cunning of a velociraptor?! Truly breathtaking. Try to avoid flash photography.

All in all, I had a great time visiting Jurassic World, got in lots of cardio and spent some quality time with the remaining members of my family.

However, I have to address the giant cretaceous elephant in the room. I am done tip-toeing around this: I could NOT find a straw at any of the concession stands. I understand this new attempt at being eco-friendly but it was a real strain on us all and nearly railroaded an almost perfect vacation with 4/5ths of my family.

The straw thing is definitely something the park should look into. Thanks for taking this journey with me. I hope this review gets out before my phone dies, and that we're rescued from this island promptly. WE HAD A TON O' FUN!

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