Hot new existentialist rollercoaster just a really long line

VAUGHAN, ON—Marking a bold innovation for the amusement ride industry, Canada's Wonderland has unveiled Das Unheimliche, the world's first 100% existentialist rollercoaster. The sprawling, dehumanizing ride includes a record-breaking 27-mile waiting line and literally nothing else, pushing the limits of human alienation for those brave thrill-seekers who dare try it.

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After nine years of construction delayed by several nightmarishly incomprehensible bureaucratic interruptions, Das Unheimliche opened to thousands of rollercoaster enthusiasts eager to finally experience the 19-hour ride. While the first round of passengers had yet to complete the ride at press time to give their reviews, their distant, audible screams suggest the wait has been worth it.

It's the only ride in the world that blasts riders into the cold realization that we are alone in the universe.- Norm Kinzel, park director

"Canada's Wonderland is always looking for new attractions to excite our visitors," said park director Norm Kinzel in a statement. "And while we've always been Canada's premier amusement park for family fun and big time thrills, we've never had a ride that offers big-time dread in the face of our meaningless and absurd world."

"But now those ennui junkies can test their mental, physical, and moral endurance with Das Unheimliche," he continued. "It's the only ride in the world that blasts riders into the cold realization that we are alone in the universe before rocketing them into a perpetual state of anxious yearning. And all without ever leaving the ground."

According to Das Unheimliche architect Jozef S., the cruel, soul-crushing coaster contains dozens of unique elements for prospective riders, including no raised track, zero changes in elevation, and a peak speed of 1.9 mph.

"The line route begins with dozens of circular patterns to give the illusion of forward momentum," said the gaunt and visibly pained rollercoaster designer. "Before plunging riders into hundreds of dead-ends to remind them of the futility of hope."

"Other rides may disorient by way of corkscrews and loop-de-loops, but Das Unheimliche is designed to create a disorientation that, hopefully, never leaves," he concluded before collapsing into a heap.

Upon completion of the journey, passengers are offered the opportunity to remember the experience with a photo of themselves taken at the exact moment they realize that life is nothing more than unending pain against the backdrop of an unfeeling universe.

"We offer 4x6 prints and keychain-sized," said Kinzel. "That is, if anyone ends up finishing the ride at all. Jury's still out on that one."

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