Everything that still bothers me about Jurassic Park, 25 years later

This week, we celebrate the release of Jurassic World. And while that's all well, good, and features a slightly older Jeff Goldblum (read: great), there are a few things about the original film that I can't get over and never will.

I mean, yes, Jurassic Park is near perfect. It's the ideal mix of suspense, adventure, humour, and the phrase "clever girl." But even the most flawless of cultural cornerstones have left imprints on my mind from which I will never recover. And because I believe in picking apart something I love as much as I believe in praising it, here's what still bothers me about the movie that made all of us begin wearing khaki shorts.

Why is the little boy on the archeological dig in the first place?

We all know the scene: for reasons that make zero sense whatsoever, some punk kid begins challenging Dr. Grant about how scary and dangerous raptors were. Which brings me to my first question: why? Why was he there? Who brought him to this place? What parent would bring their child to an archeological dig? If anything, he was a liability. And also: why is he talking back to an archeologist? Which brings me to my next point.

Why is the little boy sassing an archeologist?

Well? Why is he? I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone, let alone talk back to an expert on the dig I should not have been included in. And please don't get me started on the bone Dr. Grant carries around, either. (Like, is it a real bone? Did he steal an actual bone? Because you can't just carry a dinosaur bone. It's so old and also I'm sure worth a lot of money. Also, he for sure threatened that kid, which is even more wild when you realize everybody else just watched.)

I hate the lawyer's dress shorts

I hate them to the point of thinking about them constantly. When I put on shorts now, I'm lowkey paranoid that I look like him, which is also why under all circumstances I avoid pleats. Why would he pair them with a blazer? Why would he wear dress socks and shoes? And I know you're all tempted to shout, "Because the nineties!" in hopes that I'll hear you, but no: do any of you remember your dads dressing this way? Your uncles? Your grandpa? That one, fancy weird neighbour? No, because nobody did. It was a weird outfit. And I do mean "weird" in a very bad way.

What was the triceratops sick with?

They never say! They never, ever, ever say. Because look: it's not the berries. Or the lilac. Or whatever plant it was, and I say this because Laura Dern went through the pile of dinosaur poop and confirmed a lack of those plants. So instead, we meet a sick and sad dinosaur, watch Dr. Grant hugging and breathing with him, and then...nothing. We have no idea if it lived or died. It could still be there, for all we know. In fact, that's the only thing we really do know, considering we still don't know what made it sick. How dare they, and how dare everyone.

Newman could've just parked and bailed later

I mean, the storm lasted 20 minutes, basically. Dude could've easily just parked, driven around after the fact, and camped out until the next boat, where sure, he'd have lost his money and chance for illegally-acquired wealth, but he wouldn't have died. What a stupid way to die! Especially since had he just walked to the Jeep like a regular person, the wannabe raptor wouldn't have experienced their brief courtship, and everyone would still be present and accounted for.

Also, the storm really did last 20 minutes

Remember what a big deal it was? But then by the time Dr. Grant and the kids sought refuge in a tree, it was beautiful out. A truly picturesque night. Followed by a sunny, balmy, beautiful day. I'm just saying, had they said it was a storm, this wouldn't matter to me. But it was a godforsaken system, and damn it, but those last for blessed days.

The buffet was sitting out for too long

I know the ice cream was melting. I know there was Jell-O. But that spread was stacked and it was impressive and if any of us walked into any restaurant sparing so few expenses, we'd get physically ill from gorging ourselves on all of it. The thing is, it was sitting out for a long time. Too long. It was sitting out to the point of the ice cream in the freezer (a contained space!) was melting, which means anything in room temperature was a petri dish. And yet, there we are: watching two kids, one having recently been electrocuted, go in on all the perishable food items you can imagine. Which may seem like a dream until you have food poisoning. Because of all the things to have gone wrong in Jurassic Park, food poisoning would still be the worst. And if you disagree with me, then reader, you have never, ever had it.

Jeff Goldblum wasn't in enough scenes

He should have been in every scene. And he wasn't. And that is the worst offense of all.

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