Comedy·COUNTDOWN IS ON

5 great New Year's resolutions if you've been bitten by a venomous snake

The end of the year is upon us, and whether you’ve been bitten by several snakes recently or just a few, now is the time to set your goals for the year ahead.
(Shutterstock / Vanzyst)

The end of the year is upon us, and whether you've been bitten by several snakes recently or just a few, now is the time to set your goals for the year ahead.

Here are five great ideas for New Year's resolutions, especially if you currently have snake venom in your bloodstream:

1. Suck out the poison from that snakebite

New Year's resolutions are easy to make, but hard to fulfill if you keep putting them off. And when it comes to being bitten by a hinge-fanged viper, there's no better time than the present to suck the hemotoxins out of the wound. The urge to procrastinate is natural, but slipping into a coma will only set you back further from achieving your other goals. Better to take action now than let your blood coagulate later.             

2. Get fit

Even small improvements to your physical fitness will lead to significant changes in your speed, reflexes, and the other physical skills you need to dodge any future attacking snakes. While even well-conditioned athletes cannot match the cunning predatory instincts of a determined serpent, it's better to have the tools and not need them than vice versa.  

3. Celebrate yourself

With the unending stresses of daily life, self-care is too readily neglected. So don't forget to reward yourself for your accomplishments and the person you're striving to be. For example, if you manage to go a whole month without any new snake bites, treat yourself to a special night out. Maybe not a trip to the exotic pet store or the reptile zoo like you normally enjoy, but at least some small indulgence. Any concrete step in the right direction is worth celebrating.       

4. Learn to appreciate jazz

The new year is a great opportunity to develop a new interest, such as building an appreciation for jazz music. Not only is learning its own virtue, but this particular hobby is usually enjoyed indoors and away from where venomous snakes make their dens.  

5. Stop sweating the small stuff

You won't get far in bettering your life if you focus too much on the little setbacks along the way. Give yourself the freedom to make mistakes, knowing that self-improvement can be an imperfect journey. Don't let individual missteps distract you from enjoying life as a whole.

But – and we can't emphasize this enough – DO get that snake bite checked out. Sweat that small thing a whole bunch!  

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ned Petrie is a Toronto-based writer, actor, and 6-time Canadian Comedy Award nominee. He currently appears on the TV series Blind Sighted (AMI) and Gary & His Demons (Blue Ant Media). Previously, Ned was a writer for Night Sweats (Teletoon) and created the game show pilot The Panel Show for CBC Radio.