Comedy·NEW YEAR

Vancouver woman achieves resolution to spend less time on computer by spending more time on phone

One week after setting a New Year’s resolution to spend less time on her computer, Vancouver resident Emily Cooke declared she has achieved her goal thanks to “hard work”, “self-control”, and “spending way more time on [her] phone instead.”
(Shutterstock / Nick Starichenko)

VANCOUVER, B.C.—One week after setting a New Year's resolution to spend less time on her computer, Vancouver resident Emily Cooke declared she has achieved her goal thanks to "hard work", "self-control", and "spending way more time on [her] phone instead." In an announcement from her living room couch, Cooke admitted that breaking her computer addiction was far from easy.

"I looked at my life and realized how much time I was wasting looking at my computer screen," said Cooke while playing a game of Candy Crush. "You only have so many hours to be alive, and I wanted to start making the most of them."

"And now, thanks to that determination, I'm living life to the fullest," she added, her thumb swiping furiously across the screen of her iPhone 6. "In fact, I've already beat 20 levels this week."

According to Cooke, the reduction of her computer time has already led to the development of new hobbies, among other benefits.

"I have time to get into photography now," the 28-year-old said while taking a selfie and uploading it to Instagram with a Skyline filter. "Which my friends seem to really enjoy. Or so their 'likes' would have me believe. It's so great to reconnect with old pals."

Cooke has also seen a dramatic increase in her level of physical activity.

"I used to be chained to my computer desk," she said while waving her free hand in the direction of her side table in an apparent attempt to retrieve her glass of water without looking up. "But now I'm getting up and walking around. To the kitchen. Back to the couch. To the bathroom. Anywhere I want, basically."

"Except for the basement," Cooke added, having finally reached her water. "The Wi-Fi signal doesn't reach down there."

With her newfound freedom, the part-time dental receptionist hopes to spend the rest of the year focusing on her remaining resolutions to "live in the moment" and "visit Paris."

"But only if France has the kind of outlet where my charger works," she clarified. "Otherwise: no dice!"

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