5 calming visualization exercises when confronted with a gaggle of teens on the subway

No amount of emotional preparation can adequately arm a human adult for the horrifying moment when 29 Braydens suddenly burst forth onto an otherwise peaceful subway train, prying open the almost-closed doors and yell-talking, yell-joking, yell-laughing, yell-flirting, and yell-yelling for the entire duration of their ride.

"Nope," you mutter to yourself.

"I was NEVER like that. I emerged from the womb holding these knitting needles, wearing these sensible brown shoes, reading this issue of Herbs and Spices Monthly and snacking from this Ziploc bag of Rosemary Triscuits."

You have no choice: you will simply have to rage-breathe through it. Here are five visualizations that will help.

1. Imagine they are actors and this is a performance art piece

You are being treated to a free, 15-minute piece of avant-garde theatre, a scathing social commentary on the disruptive power of youth in public spaces. Breathe in. And breathe out.

The play is called We're Assholes and it's currently being performed in a flash-mob style on subway systems all over the world. What an unexpected treat this is for you! Art is so important.

2. Imagine they are otters

Inhale slowly through your nose. Good, good. Now: blur your eyes just enough, until all their slick, shiny teen hair containing way too much product could be reasonably mistaken for adorable wet otter fur. Look how they scamper and tumble over each other so playfully, wrestling, cuddling, and hopefully – please GOD – approaching their stop….. nnnnnnow!

Okay now.

Okay now?

Okay how 'bout now.

Nope, okay how 'bout NOW???

3. Count the "I Was Likes"

This exercise is soothing and oddly hypnotic, just like counting sheep. Keep a running tally in your head – or better yet, on the back of an old HomeSense receipt – of the dizzying number of times any member of the terrifying teen tribe "was like" anything. Anything at all.

Examples include:

"I Was Like Um, What??"

"I Was Like Oh My God Right Now"

"I Was Like Whoa"

"I Was Like So Weirded Out"

"I Was Like, Shut Up Brayden You're An Idiot"

Vow to take the grand total and transfer that dollar amount to your RRSP! You'll be able to retire in an hour.

4. Play "Which One Secretly Likes Which Other One"

Start at the top of your head and work your way down your body, clenching and then unclenching each muscle group one at a time.

As you do, scan the awful gang and try to identify the two teens that are acting the least mature and shittiest to each other.

Aw! They're desperately in love! Isn't that so nice for only them.

Now, will them off the train with your furious eye-heat that's escalating inside your head by the nanosecond.

5. If this were a popular teen drama, which one would be played by some weirdly old 41-year-old actor?

This satisfying thought experiment should distract you for at least five stops.

Carefully survey each face, leaving no youthful freckle unturned. One of them is the Luke Perry of the group.

Feel your breath moving through your body, powerful and strong.

If you can't tell from the faces, look for other clues: which one's clutching a copy of Investing For Dummies? Which one's confidently using the word "downright" at age 14?

And exhale, and – oh look at that! It's your stop.

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