Yoga instructor definitely said to hold pose for 10 more seconds 1200 seconds ago

SHERBROOKE, QC—"Keep holding… just a bit more… and holding…" she says. "And inhale… and exhale…"

Yep, we're holding… and holding… come onnnnnn… a human body can only do this for so long. Which we definitely thought she was acknowledging when she said "10 more seconds," a duration of time she apparently in no way understands.

During a yoga class that is still currently in progress at the Sherbrooke Community Centre, instructor Wanda Vellente told our class to hold the kapotasana, or pigeon pose, "for just 10 more seconds… and holding… holding… lovely… keep holding everybody…" and after saying so, continued repeating the phrase "holdddddddd it…" for at least 10 minutes, or possibly 10 million minutes – nobody could be sure at that point exactly how much time had elapsed.

"Stay calm, stay relaxed and still, and hold…" continued Vellente.

"After this we're going to transition into dragon force pose," she just said, referring to a move that nobody in the class has ever heard of and which we're sure she just made up right this second. Which would be fine, she's a pro, but then how are we supposed to move into it?

Luckily that is a moot question though, since she is never going to finish the current pose. So it doesn't matter what's next. What's next is entirely theoretical. She could say, "Okay, and next we're going to fly through the ceiling" and it would be equally plausible. Sure. Fine. No matter what it is, it will never happen, because you're never going to let us out of pigeon pose, so might as well pick something ambitious, right?

What's her cue to move to the next exercise, anyway—the sound of a neck snapping? That actually wouldn't be bad, because though it would be pretty rough for whomever it happens to, it does seem like it's going to happen pretty soon if none of us gets to move. So at least then we would get to move on to something, you know. Maybe we lose Darryl or Kathy to the chiropractor for a month, but we get. Out. Of. Pigeon. Pose.

What was that? I just heard something—a click, a snap of some type. Did Darryl's neck finally go? Did the world end? Was that the sound of the world ending? I would not be surprised if the world had ended by now; I stopped counting at 730 seconds and wouldn't be surprised if we had moved well beyond that and reached literally an eternity by now.

Oh. She was snapping her fingers. She was snapping her fingers at Lauren and is now moving her into the correct position. Look, Wanda, I have news for you. Lauren used to be in the correct position. I know that because my head is stuck staring in the direction of Lauren. She is virtually all I can see. Lauren was in the correct position for a long time.

But Lauren's pose could not last forever, and just like all beautiful things before it, including the Leaning Tower of Pisa, the Sphinx, and Robert Redford's face, it is starting to show the wear of time after lo, these many eons have passed.

But don't blame Lauren. Blame yourself, Wanda.

Still holding. Still holding.

At press time, I had snuck my phone out of my pocket to write this entire article from pigeon pose, so forgive me if anything is upside down.

Holding.

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