4 lesser-known mall Santas across Canada

1.

Child prodigy mall Santa (Rideau Centre, Ottawa, ON)

4-year-old Jasper Grey has just always had that "wise old man" look about him. Which is why his parents insisted on enrolling him in a local mall Santa training program when he was only three years old. He aced all of his courses, blew through the training in half the time it usually takes, and became the youngest mall Santa in the concept's history.

Sure, he's younger than 74% of the children who come to sit on his lap. And yes, he responds to every child's wishlist by screaming "NO I WANT THAT" and then melting down into a nuclear tantrum, requiring 7-10 elves to rush out and distract him by dangling jangly plastic keys in his face. And of course it's alarming to see a bearded four-year-old who's really let his physique go. But other than all of that, Jasper's really worth a visit.

2.

Insists-On-Sitting-In-An-Active-Massage-Chair-Santa (West Edmonton Mall, AB)

Part sneaky devil, part genius, this mall Santa is literally abuzz with Christmas cheer, thanks to the day he stood up, despite the lineup of 500 kids waiting to see him, walked into The Brick, yanked an extension cord out of the wall, and slowly dragged an oppressively heavy $3,000 iComfort 6-Mode Massage Chair in Deep Chocolate Dreams across the mall and back to his glittery hut. As soon as the first kid got settled on his lap, he exclaimed "CRAP! I forgot the remote control," and spent another 20 minutes going back to The Brick to find it. At the time of this writing, he was entering his 11th straight hour of massage.

Be warned: massage-chair Santa is completely zoned out when kids are telling him their Christmas wishes, responding most of the time with "Sorry, what?" and "Mmmm, I'm sure that's very true." And he's really not ideal if you're bringing an infant, as the chair's constant and very aggressive vibrations make for a very unstable sitting platform for those who don't yet have head control. However, this mall Santa refuses to get fully consumed in everyone else's needs over the holidays, and isn't afraid to carve out a little "me" time in the midst of the madness. Okay, a lot of "me" time. But still. We could all learn a lot from him.

3.

Post-modern deconstructed mall Santa (Orchard Park Shopping Centre, Kelowna, BC)

Children line up for hours only to discover that instead of a Santa, there's just a cardboard box containing a white beard, black boots, a detachable belly, and some enormous red pants. Just outside in the mall's parking lot, creator W. Kent Ramsay is usually smoking in jeans and a tight black t-shirt.

"It's an important commentary on the disintegration of childhood dreams," he shrugs. "I want those kids to work together and spend a good hour trying to assemble a mall Santa out of these disparate parts, only to discover that they can't."

"What do they get for Christmas? The deep satisfaction knowing what's truly real in this world, and what isn't."

4.

PetSmart discount iguana mall Santa (Champlain Place, Dieppe, NB)

When Rick Fairfax walked off the job several years ago as Champlain Place's resident mall Santa (due to frustrations around an ongoing contract dispute), his elves had to scramble to do something, as one entire child was already beginning to line up. That's when Head Elf Marissa Holden sprinted to the PetSmart around the corner and returned with an adult male desert iguana named Robert Borden, who was on sale for $39.99. The elves placed him on Santa's enormous chair beside a candy cane, which Robert Borden instantly clutched, and which he has refused to let go of since 2014. To everyone's surprise except for Robert Borden's, Robert Borden has become the most popular Santa in the mall's history, though he does get extremely startled by flash photography, immediately entering into a stunned physical paralysis akin to rigor mortis until the photographer shows him the photo, at which point he smiles and relaxes.

As Kieran Glass, 6, explains, "He's like, just a really good listener."

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