How talking about George Floyd transformed one father-son relationship
Adriel Smiley often struggled to relate to his father, but says ‘there’s no time for tension anymore’
When the video of George Floyd's murder started circulating in May 2020, Adriel Smiley didn't want to watch it, let alone discuss it. He had seen far too many videos of violence against Black men.
But his father, a pastor, who was rarely online, was preoccupied by it for days.
"The fact that my dad was still talking about it, and just how emotional he was, made me want to watch the video," Adriel said.
"I was very teary when I was talking to him," Allister Smiley said.
That conversation was a breakthrough for the two men, who live together in the family home in Ajax, Ont. Until that moment, Adriel had little interest in deep conversations with his father. He grew up often feeling misunderstood and, as an adult, still rarely saw eye to eye with Allister.
Suddenly, the murder of a stranger was changing the way Adriel and Allister saw themselves and each other.
- Darnella Frazier, teen who recorded George Floyd's arrest, murder, wins Pulitzer citation
- Black activists continue fight for racial justice 1 year after George Floyd's death
For most of Adriel's life, he has viewed his father as someone who was often upset and they would get into arguments about things "that were not argument worthy," Adriel said.
"I would say that my dad was very disgruntled, permanently disgruntled."
Allister sees it differently.
"I think that sometimes my face is misunderstood," he said.
Different worldview
Allister points out he grew up in Jamaica and says his upbringing shaped his life and his perspective.
"We have a different worldview, different philosophy, different interaction with parents and kids," he said.
Allister says his own parents would have been afraid to allow him and his siblings to go to the movies, whereas Adriel and his siblings, raised in the Toronto area, wanted to head to the movies as early as 10 or 12 years old.
"I would be more restrictive about things like that because of the way I was brought up," Allister said.
Adriel remembers it was difficult getting permission to attend school dances or weekend basketball tournaments.
"Trying to convince my parents to take me to a tournament to watch me play ball when they would be at church all day, it was just basically a non-starter," Adriel said.
The tension between father and son intensified as Adriel started an unpaid internship to gain experience in the television industry, "doing 18-hour days … and even that was met with: 'Why are you there so long? They're not paying you,'" Adriel said.
"It's like he thought that I was lazy."
Adriel's perception of his father's views at that time led him to avoid conversations with Allister. He'd open up to his mother about his career goals, but not to his father.
"He hadn't earned the right to those conversations with me," Adriel said.
The viral video
But in May 2020, Allister's reaction to the video of George Floyd's murder — as a Minneapolis police officer pressed a knee down on his neck — changed everything.
"It really, really affected him, as if George Floyd was someone that he knew," Adriel said. "Seeing the state that he was in made me want to talk to him more."
Allister says he was often in tears then and still becomes emotional about it now.
"It was my own helplessness, [realizing] that I can't do anything to help my son if something like that would have happened or how easily my child could be misunderstood because of the colour of his skin."
We agreed that those are tough emotions to deal with.- Adriel Smiley
Adriel and Allister found themselves spending more time together, watching coverage of the protests in Minneapolis that continued over several days.
"My dad was definitely saying that these people should be less violent, less confrontational, some of them should go home," Adriel said.
"I was saying that, 'Yes, what they're doing is dangerous but … I don't know what I feel comfortable asking these people to do in a time like this.'
"We agreed that those are tough emotions to deal with," Adriel said.
Over the days and weeks that followed, Adriel and Allister started exchanging posts and videos online and sharing their feelings about police, race and life.
Learning from each other
When Allister was growing up in Jamaica, he never personally had a negative experience with police. But now, seeing George Floyd's experience was changing his perspective.
"I began to realize how difficult it was for me to give advice to my son," he said.
"I can't tell my son to behave good, to make a difference; no matter how [many] values or ethics that I will teach him, [it] doesn't matter how successful he is, no matter how law-abiding he is, this world is unfair and cruel." Allister said.
Adriel saw that his father was relating to George Floyd as a father, and thinking about the loss Floyd's children were — and still are — suffering.
"I was really choked up," Adriel said, adding that his parents mean a lot to him.
"Thinking about losing any of them is tough, but to lose a parent that way, that has to be a different level of anger."
Adriel started seeing his relationship with his father differently.
"Me and my dad have friction, but my dad is actually here," he said.
He started sharing with Allister some of his own experiences with racism that he'd never mentioned when younger.
"Maybe less than five times [in my life] I had mentioned something to him like where I felt like someone was being racist to me," Adriel said.
Allister also started seeing Adriel differently.
I always say, 'I love you.'- Allister Smiley
"What I was learning about Adriel during that time is … he is braver than I think, and he is more comfortable talking about these things and he can deal with it even better than I am," Allister said.
Allister also says all of this has taught him to appreciate Adriel, and his other sons, and to love them more. Whenever they connect now, "I always say, 'I love you,'" Allister said.
Adriel says now he doesn't get angry at Allister so quickly because he knows how much he means to his father.
"We understand that there's kind of no time for tension anymore because we both see ourselves in George Floyd," he said.
"Even that realization, in a sense, is helping us be closer."
About the Producer
For more stories about the experiences of Black Canadians — from anti-Black racism, to success stories within the Black community — check out Being Black in Canada, a CBC project Black Canadians can be proud of. You can read more stories here.
