My Asperger's diagnosis explained a lot about my life, but my wish to fit in remains the same

This First Person column is the experience of Ernie Strauss, a Winnipegger who lives with Asperger's syndrome. For more information about CBC's First Person stories, please see the FAQ.

When I was 50 years old, I found out about Asperger's syndrome and realized that I had it. That was me. A neuropsychologist later confirmed it.

That recognition explained a lot of things about my life up to that point.

You see, I knew from an early age that there was something different about me: I never fit in. 

When I first started school, I enjoyed it, and because my literacy skills were already quite advanced, I skipped Grade 1 and was transferred to a Grade 2 class with children a year or more older than me. 

I longed to be like the other boys, with their playful banter and casual conversations about anything and everything. But no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't do it. With a very few exceptions, I was always an outsider. 

I was physically awkward, so I wasn't much good at sports, and missed out on most of the camaraderie, the male-bonding experiences that boys have. Some of the most embarrassing memories I have from my childhood were the compulsory dance classes (with the girls) in high school. Going to dances and parties was pretty much beyond me. 

[My diagnosis] makes things so much easier now that I can just allow myself to be who and what I am.- Ernie Strauss

I felt like Pinocchio, the wooden puppet, who longed to be a real boy — because in some sense, that's who I was. I knew there was something missing from my life, even though I couldn't name it.

And I felt like Ferdinand the bull, from the children's story by Munro Leaf.  It was my absolutely favourite story, and my parents read it to me nightly. Ferdinand was different from the other bulls; he didn't want to fight, but only sit under the cork tree and smell the flowers. 

'You have no personality'

My parents and teachers sent me to various specialists in an attempt to diagnose the problems I was having in relating to people. I saw counsellors, therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists. But none of them was able to correctly diagnose my condition. 

My mother tried her best to help me with my social difficulties, but she didn't know how. Sometimes she'd say with frustration, "you have no personality" — which I didn't understand then, but I do now. 

What she referred to as "personality" consists of a whole collection of things such as eye contact, smiling, laughing, joking and so on: things that didn't come naturally to me.

When I was in my 20s, I learned about (and actually found myself teaching!) interpersonal communication skills, which is based on the principle that much of human communication is non-verbal and includes such things as tone of voice, vocal inflection, facial expression, gestures and body posture.

Despite this, I went on to lead a reasonably successful life. My careers have included management and supervisory training, accounting, computer consulting, teaching computer applications, technical communications and website development.

On the other hand, I have gone through long periods of unemployment, which has been a huge source of stress in my life, and largely responsible for the breakup of both my marriages. For much of my life I have spent extended periods in a state of isolation and alienation.

My diagnosis, however, has changed that.

We all want to be recognized for who we are.- Ernie Strauss

It makes things so much easier now that I can just allow myself to be who and what I am. Now, at least, I have some understanding of why my life has turned out the way it has.

Before I knew about Asperger's syndrome, I used to get embarrassed when people reacted to me as if I appeared, in their minds, to be rude or strange. But now, my attitude can be summed up by the saying "those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

And if nothing else, AS has taught me to be resourceful. It's taught me the ability to enjoy my own company.  Of course, keeping oneself amused without other people is not hard to do in today's world. What with books, music, radio, TV and the internet, there is a never-ending supply of stuff to be entertained by — if it's entertainment that you want.

But that's not really what I want, and I don't think it's what most people want.

We all want to be recognized for who we are, to be connected with other people, to be loved and appreciated. 

This column is part of  CBC's Opinion section. For more information about this section, please read this editor's blog and our FAQ. 

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