How to deal with a family feud after Christmas

Was your Christmas dinner filled with fighting and passive-aggressive silence around the table?

It's not too early to look at mending family relationships so next year's Christmas dinner can go more smoothly, says Dawn Schooler, director of clinical services at Jericho Counselling Clinic in Vancouver.

Schooler joined B.C. Almanac guest host Jodie Martinson to discuss how families can do things differently next year, and start repairing relations now.

1. Start with yourself

"Put yourself first a little bit," said Schooler.

"Unless we do put ourselves first and figure out how we can be happy, how we can be comfortable and confident, then it's almost impossible for us to sit at a table or help repair a relationship that maybe isn't quite what we would prefer."

Citing prominent psychiatrist and author David Burns, Schooler said people are 100 per cent responsible for every relationship they are in.

That means that if someone starts a fight, you could fight back, or choose to respond with kindness and compassion.

2. Set ground rules

"Have a lighthearted discussion about rules of engagement before you sit down, or as you're sitting down," Schooler said.

That could be deciding to not talk about those "hot button" topics that every family has, Schooler said, and also discussing what to do if the conversation does veer off course.

"Get people to agree that this is going to be the tone of our gathering, and, if you head in the wrong direction, have a way to get yourself out without drawing great attention to anyone or blaming anyone."

3. Start good conversations

Take the lead and start a conversation, and then you can have more control over where it goes, Schooler said.

"You don't want to ask about somebody's new truck or the last vacation someone went on necessarily, because it can get into money," she said.

"But people do like to talk about themselves, so asking about their children or their family, complimenting them on something that you may have heard, asking what they're reading, or sharing a book that might be a good read, those are some great ways to get the conversation headed in a good direction."

4. Be open to other opinions

Different points of view are often what cause conflicts, but different opinions are actually a good thing, Schooler said.

"Where we get into trouble is we often don't appreciate the difference, we tend to try to talk others into believing the same things we do."

Also, while some might be fine with discussing different viewpoints around the dinner table, other people may perceive a conflict and find the situation uncomfortable, Schooler said.

That is why it's important to set rules of engagement for the dinner, Schooler said. When talking about beliefs turns into an argument, then "everybody loses."

"As hard as it might be, perhaps a better way, rather than arguing or defending a position, might be to be curious about that position and inquire and ask more," she said.  

5. Try to move forward

"Until at least one member of whatever the conflict is decides to leave the past in the past, and try to move forward, we can't get anywhere," Schooler said.

Taking that step could be as simple as picking up the phone.

"We have a lot more in common that we do different, and when we get to common ground, that's where we have a chance to have more understanding and compassion and give people space to be who they need to be. The more we talk, the more we understand," she said.

Alternatively, repairing relationships could mean counselling.

If getting everyone into a room for counselling is difficult, Schooler suggests starting with at least one other person, such as a sibling.

"If you can find some common ground today, you have a chance actually to go back without really meaning to or planning to, and repair some of that history that you would never get to if you just say, 'I want to talk to you about how awful you were to me 10 years ago."

To hear the full story listen to the audio labelled: Vancouver psychologist offers advice on mending relationships so Christmas 2016 will be better.