FOR REAL: The new White House rules now that Barron's moving in
Anne T. Donahue | CBC Comedy | Posted: June 15, 2017 2:19 PM | Last Updated: June 15, 2017
"FOR REAL" is a weekly place for Anne T. Donahue to gracefully rage out about politics, pop culture and the general insanity of being alive in 2017.
This week, President Trump moved his wife and 11-year-old son into the White House after nearly half a year spent largely ignoring their existence in favour of promoting Ivanka and his equally unqualified adult sons.
Which is great. It is great that American taxpayers won't be paying top dollar for Melania and Barron to seek refuge atop Trump Tower, and it is great that this particular First Family is keen to act like they even remotely tolerate each other.
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Less great? Trump's new day-to-day reality. Because while we can maybe pretend that he's psyched to trade in TV time for actual parenting, we know that he isn't. And worse: that he'll likely have to impersonate an adult while hanging with his new arrivals.
But look: it isn't Barron's fault that he's Donald Trump's youngest child. Kid's just trying to get through the next three years like the rest of us, and he didn't ask for any of this because no person on the planet actually did. (Also, he's an actual child.)
But alas, here we are, with new expectations and house rules instituted to make it seem like the president's legacy is more than just Twitter tantrums and general toxicity. Which brings me to the topic at hand: here is what I imagine the new White House rules to be, put in place to make it seem like anything about 45 is presidential in the slightest.
- The first rule of the White House? Talk about the White House constantly.
- Meals are eaten as a family, unless they aren't and that's fine and/or actually preferable.
- Twitter is not to be used at the dinner table, unless the president can convincingly act like he's sending an email (he can't).
- Please ignore Steve Bannon, who is not standing behind you.
- All TVs are to be set to FOX News, FOX & Friends, The Fox and the Hound, and that scene from You've Got Mail where Tom Hanks' little brother spells "F-O-X."
- No music, minus the complete Ted Nugent and Toby Keith discographies and banjo solo from Deliverance.
- No music, Barron. Who is Black Flag? Where did you get this?
- No gum. You know how Sean Spicer can get.
- Snacks welcome, minus anything containing imagery of Keebler Elves. His name is Jeff Sessions, and his family business is to be taken seriously.
- Speaking of which, Jeff Sessions is not auditioning to play a racist sheriff. That is his accent, and he is already a racist lawyer, and that is enough.
- No, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. are not vampires, but please respect their right to exist in total darkness.
- If Drudge ever calls, connect him to the president immediately. (He follows his reports very closely.)
- Above all, everything's fine.
- If anyone asks, nothing is wrong.
- Everybody is very proud to be here.
- We are all very happy to be here, in our nation's capital.
- Remember, we're all very happy to live together as a family.
- In no way is anything a cry for help.
- The president's marriage is a beautiful, wonderful, magical thing that is in no way defined by deep-seated sorrow and unhappiness.
- Everything is okay.
- No, that is not Steve Bannon standing behind you.
- Barron, who is Black Flag?
- Hand me my phone.
- I don't care if it's dinner.
- Mar-A-Lago.
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