WASHINGTON, D.C.—American president Donald Trump has been criticized for his comments this week about Canadian dairy industry practices having a negative effect on dairy farmers in America.

He may now have to acquire some eggs from those same farmers and place them on his face, as the root cause of his country's dairy issues have today been revealed to come not only from within his own country, but indeed from within his own administration.

"Four days ago, vice-president Pence knocked on President Trump's door to tell him that he had something shameful to disclose to him," said Press Secretary Sean Spicer this morning at a press briefing open only to the National Enquirer and the Cleveland Plain Dealer. "The president of course was not there, he was golfing. But when he arrived three days later, Mike was still sitting there, waiting to speak to him. That's just the kind of guy the VP is."

"The vice-president acknowledged to Mr. Trump that he has, for some time now, been battling an addiction to skim milk. He drinks it straight, or adds it to the food he eats, whether it is cottage cheese, mashed potatoes, or mashed potatoes blended with cottage cheese. He is prepared to confront this battle head-on, gradually lessening his usage through willpower, as well as goat, almond, and rice milk."

"Now before you ask, the vice-president considers coconut milk 'too exotic and spicy' and subsequently likely to lead to temptation," added Spicer. "It is for that reason not on the table at this time, though we are certainly willing to revisit the issue. This is early days."

Canada's envoy to Washington has asked for a personal apology from the president for misleading the public, but none seems to be forthcoming. Trump is reportedly spending time privately discussing the matter with Pence.

"I think the most surprising thing to the president was the low percentage," said an aide who asked to remain anonymous. "He says he only drinks 80% milk. No, I don't know either. Yes. It sounds like a solid. Now, I don't know."

At press time, Pence was pacing around his home on his white carpet, staring at his white curtains and white walls, think about what had gone wrong, and how scary coconut milk is.