TORONTO, ON—In a record-shattering development, 30-year-old paralegal Erin Fleming reports that she enjoyed a "truly heavenly" nine-second period of time in the audience of a local comedy show last night before her sexual autonomy was actively degraded and threatened by the male performer onstage.

"I'm just so deeply thankful for that glorious, glorious stretch of time," Fleming explained, her eyes filling with tears of gratitude. "I got to have nine entire seconds before the comic began referring to women as meaningless sex objects that exist solely for male pleasure."

"What a gift," Fleming continued breathlessly. "Normally I only get four or five seconds before the violation of the female body becomes a hilarious punchline. This one time in 2012 I got six seconds, but that's super rare. So I mean, nine??? Nine is just unheard of."

The comedian onstage last night, a veteran headliner in his late 40s, explained that he always opens his set with a quick, relatable gripe about public transit before casually shifting into 20 minutes of rape material.

"That joke destroys every single time," he laughed from his dressing room. "I came up with that bit when I was 17. It was one of my first sets. How's that for raw talent? It's important to evolve as a comedian but I don't super feel like it because it sounds hard."

However, he does acknowledge that his rape joke is controversial.

"Look, I'm an artist. It's my job to push boundaries. Not my boundaries, though — ideally, you just invade other people's boundaries until they're uncomfortable and traumatized and then you get on your cool skateboard and breeze on home to KD leftovers and Grand Theft Auto V."

At press time, Fleming was writing absolutely glowing Yelp review of the comedy club in which she described last night's show as "the most exhilarating nine seconds of my entire time on this earth" and "an awesome place to go if you need a reminder that we're progressing as a society."