Josh Donaldson reports to spring training with badass sword he purchased in off-season
Ned Petrie | CBC Comedy | Posted: February 16, 2017 5:36 PM | Last Updated: February 16, 2017
DUNEDIN, FL—According to reports, Toronto Blue Jays third baseman Josh Donaldson has reported to spring training this week in great shape and toting a large sword he purchased in the off-season.
Fresh off his second consecutive 30-plus homer year, the former AL MVP arrived to camp brimming with excitement for both the fast approaching 2017 MLB season and his "badass longsword".
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"I think it's going to be a great year," Donaldson told the press while taking practice swings with his newly acquired weapon. "Losing in the ALCS for the second straight year was tough, but right now we're feeling good. Especially after I showed the guys this here sword. The whole team is pretty jacked about it."
According to Donaldson, the double-edged broadsword was forged from steel by a "master sword maker" he found online and could be the key to another Jays postseason return, despite the departure of All-Star designated hitter Edwin Encarnacion.
"Losing Edwin to free agency definitely hurts," explained Donaldson while playfully sheathing and unsheathing the sword from its bronze-plated scabbard. "But we've already made up for his power hitting with the power of this bad boy, know what I'm sayin'?"
"Don't get me wrong, we'll miss Edwin's locker room presence and home runs," he continued before eagerly turning attention back to the weapon. "But this shit is the real deal! 15th century-style Scottish claymore! 55-inch blade on top of a 10-inch cross hilt of forward-sloping quillions with quatrefoil terminations! Not to mention all this Celtic shit written on the side, bro!"
"The whole deal set me back, like, $2000," the three-time All-Star concluded. "Not cheap, by any means. But, unlike Edwin's new contract, undeniably worth every penny."
When reached for comment, manager John Gibbons agreed that Donaldson's new battle accessory is "pretty cool" but hoped the fan favourite will swing the 12-pound sword "with caution".
"If Josh is enthusiastic about it, that's good for the whole team," said Gibbons with some bewilderment. "I just don't understand what it's meant to symbolize, or how he intends to travel with the darned thing."
At press time, the Blue Jays front office has confirmed they are "aware" of Donaldson's sword and have already told him to "cut it out" before he slices "Jose's friggin' arm off".
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