OTTAWA, ON—According to sources, Prime Minister Trudeau is readying himself to meet with new US president Trump sometime within the coming days, which, according to the Prime Minister, involves "you know, all the usual stuff a powerful world leader like me would do" – preparing various diplomatic briefings, solidifying the agenda for the meeting, assembling background research on trade and immigration, and tearfully stuffing his lunch money into the very bottom of his left Italian leather loafer.

"It's just um, $12.50 so I can hit up the Sobey's salad bar at the break," Trudeau whispers of the money. "But I really don't want Trump to punch me in the head and take my money from me the way Blake Harmon did in Grade 9."

"Not that I'd let him!" Trudeau adds, laughing nervously.

"As I said, I'm a truly formidable leader and man."

Trudeau went on to explain that Blake Harmon "tormented" him for his "four long years" of high school, pushing him up against the wall in the gymnasium almost every day and hitting him repeatedly until he handed over his hard-earned allowance.

"Anyway, that's all just old memories now," Trudeau says as he pulls a fourth wool sock onto his left foot to quadruple-secure his funds.

"Today, I'm very intimidating and strong and not, um, rattled whatsoever by, um, crazy, unhinged bullies out there. I'm the Prime Minister of Canada, and Trump will respect my commanding presence on the world sta – oh god, do you guys think he's bugged my office? Shit. Do you guys think he has? Do you guys think he's listening to this?"

As the meeting approaches, Trudeau says he's eagerly looking forward to building a "truly equal partnership" with President Trump.

"Trump's people sent over a draft of their agenda this morning. So basically Trump would like if it he could just go ahead and seize all of Canada's oil and water for free, and then in return, I get to decide if we get Starbucks or Second Cup at the 2:15 coffee break," Trudeau says, visibly trembling.

"Just two super equal guys, hammering out how to run the world together in a crazy equal way!"