WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Donald Trump, surrounded by numerous male members of his cabinet, signed an executive order today blocking funding for any international health groups that provide abortion care, and then signed two executive orders reviving both the Keystone XL and Dakota Access pipeline projects. He then rose from his chair, held both arms triumphantly in the air, and declared himself Boss of All Tubes.

"There is no tube I cannot control," said Trump, who also directly outlawed family planning outfits from even speaking about the topic of abortion. "I am the boss of all the tubes, and believe me, some have even called me the King of Tubes; I'm not saying that would be outrageous. Any tube I have not specifically announced my dominion over is simply one that has not yet been brought to my attention."

Vice-President Mike Pence declared that he was glad about the progress made, but that this would in no way be the end of the government's enthusiastic regulation of tubes and tube-related issues.

"In a way, I suppose I am the Assistant Boss of Tubes, and there are no take-backsies on that matter. As such, I devote a significant amount of time to considering national tube policy, and I would humbly submit that there are literally dozens of tubes with which I am intimately familiar that President Trump is not. I will bring them to his attention, and then we will either give them the go-ahead or clamp down on them with all due haste, depending on whether they belong to a glorious, majestic corporation or a filthy, nasty little human."

Trump has also recently nominated a vocal opponent of net neutrality as head of the Federal Communications Commission, leaving the fate of the internet, sometimes described as a series of tubes, hanging in the balance.

At press time, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan had wandered over to the seated Trump during the signing session and whispered in his ear, at which point the President was heard to remark, "Really? I always thought of that as more of a crevice. Anyway, great point, let's shut it down!"