Amazon Prime offers same-day delivery for anti-depressants starting January 20th
Jon Schabl | CBC Comedy | Posted: January 20, 2017 5:20 PM | Last Updated: January 20, 2017
SEATTLE, WA—Now that Inauguration Day has arrived, those upset with the presidential appointment are looking for more effective ways to cope with their grief. Online marketplace Amazon has come up with what they consider to be the simplest solution. As of January 20th, Amazon Prime will offer free same-day shipping for anti-depressants.
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Anne-Margaret Azon, a spokesperson for the internet retailer announced the news at a press conference earlier this week. "We came up with the idea during a corporate therapy retreat where none of us could stop crying for three days. Seriously. We had to have our drones fly in palettes of sports drinks to re-hydrate."
A flurry of questions from the press followed this announcement, most directed at the logistics and limitations of the new promotion. "Any brand. Any time. Anywhere. Any amount. Pop them like candy. I don't care. We're all going to die anyway," said Azon before downing a handful of Zoloft and leaving to stress-eat three frozen Sarah Lee cakes.
The news was met with a nearly one hundred percent approval among Amazon users. "This is going to make it way easier to tolerate the nightmarish hellscape coming our way," wrote user BikerTickles1717.
"Great news. I was planning on going to all the doctors in town with a fake name and have them write me prescriptions, but now I don't have to. I'm going to spend all the money I'm saving on ammunition!" exclaimed another elated user CrookedCuck.
Even the mental health community has embraced the news. Dr. Peter Raymond Ime had nothing but positive things to say. "Generally, therapists try to get to the root of a person's feeling of dread, but in this case the root is quite clear. It's a narcissistic, pathological sociopath with access to nuclear weapons. So pill up. I already bought 12 cases of Prozac for myself and my wife."
It is unclear whether Amazon plans to continue this offer once the President-elect is forced from the office after a massive disgrace. What is clear is that with this anti-depressant push, Amazon now offers better medical coverage than whatever Republicans will come up with to replace the Affordable Care Act.
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