WASHINGTON, D.C.—With only two days left in his administration and pressure mounting to grant clemency while there is still a chance, Barack Obama today announced he is issuing an official pardon to Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, and all others involved in making the 2013 comedy Grown Ups 2.

"I am proud to issue this proclamation on one of my final days in office. I feel that mercy, grace, and forgiveness are qualities and concepts that are deeply entwined within the fabric of America. I hope to set an example to future presidents," Obama wrote, without naming names, "to be similarly magnanimous when our favourite comedians may err or falter. They are, after all, human, which is often a source of their humour, if also of their failures."

"It must also be acknowledged," wrote Obama, "that it is the right of every American to earn a good living. These men knew that reuniting for a second film, regardless of the quality, would make them vast sums of money. And as I think the American people would agree, that turned out to be true. The film made 247 million dollars, with a budget of approximately 80 million dollars. This sort of profit is not at odds with the capitalist spirit that helped build this country; it is emblematic, in fact, of the dreams of small businesses around the country, from Des Moines to Denver."

Obama closed with a stern tone that made it clear this was not a frivolous choice.

"It may not have been right to make the film—no, allow me to state that more emphatically—it was not right. And the people involved are no doubt aware of this. They have expressed to me privately their remorse, and have made solemn promises not to make a Grown Ups 3 — nor something similar like Grown Up Again or something of the like. The conditions of this pardon allow for no such loopholes. Cast, crew, and composer alike have promised to obey the spirit and the letter of this pardon. And I trust them. Because I trust America."

"Grown Ups 2," he concluded, "you are free to go."