NATIONWIDE—A longtime American lumber giant, Longtime American Lumber Giant™, is reporting a surge in sales this week as the nation's women are frantically stockpiling sheets of plywood in order to board up their uteruses before Trump officially becomes president on Friday.

"I mean, you gotta be smart about it," explains Little Rock, Arkansas resident Joy Lambert. "If you live in California, you can probably get away with just writing 'Keep Out' with a smiley face on a plank of wood and attaching it whimsically to your belt. But if you live here in Arkansas, you gotta fashion a sort of crude chastity belt that blocks off your entire pelvic region, and ideally starts at your neck and ends at your knees. You gotta bolt that shit together with metal and screws and electrical tape, and you don't take that shit off for four years. You can't afford to mess around."

President-elect Trump and his administration of largely white male millionaires have been very vocal about their plans to prevent access to birth control and abortion, and deny women access to basic healthcare.

Women across America report that they played around with different approaches to barricading their reproductive organs before agreeing that plywood was the most cost-effective and practical option.

"Well you know, we looked at padlocks," Lambert sighs. "But I mean, then you've got that little key to keep track of all the god damn day. At one point we also looked into tiny 'Do Not Disturb' signs, you know, like they have in the Trump Towers."

Lambert says that so far, she's generally happy with how her plywood blockade is working out.

"The only thing that's tough about my new permanent wooden chastity belt is that it makes it hard for me to get my annual pelvic exam to check for early signs of cervical cancer," Lambert explains. "But then I remember who the president is and I'm like, ah well, I wasn't going to be able to afford that test anyway."