COLLINGWOOD, ON—While awkwardly attempting to climb inside the 50-foot oil painting of US president-elect Donald Trump that leans against her house, Simcoe-Grey Conservative MP Kellie Leitch explained to reporters this morning that she absolutely stands by her recent campaign policy to screen all immigrants, refugees and visitors for "Canadian values" despite the fact that she herself would fail that screening process instantly.

"We have a core set of values as a country," Leitch explains as she adjusts her bright red "Make Canada America For Once" baseball cap. "What does it mean to be this country? It means we turn into a different country. Specifically, the one that's in the middle of a spectacular political crisis fuelled by hatred and fear modeled at the highest levels of government. That one. That one sounds pretty good to me."

"I model Canadian values every single day," says the woman who emailed her supporters last week after Trump won the US election to gush about his "exciting message that needs to be delivered in Canada as well."

"Bigotry is exciting," Leitch asserts. "Widespread hatred of minority groups, paralyzing fear of each other's differences, clumsy attempts to weed out non-white, non-Christian people from our society – these things really get my juices going. And we need to ensure that no one enters Canada without conforming to my excellent example."

"Deeply internalized misogyny? That's another one of the core Canadian values we'll be testing people on," continues the first known woman to simultaneously have held the Status of Women portfolio and fawn over a US president who openly brags about committing sexual assault.

Leitch warns that Canada will become a very dangerous place if we start letting people into the country who espouse values that are different from the ones she so deftly embodies as an MP.

"Tolerance? Open-mindedness? Feminism?" Leitch shrieks as she scratches her miniature schnauzer, Ivanka, under the chin. "Make no mistake. These things will be the downfall of our great nation."