WORLDWIDE—The entire earth said late Tuesday night that it wasn't prepared to accept the results of the US presidential election, and that it would keep you "in suspense" until further notice.

In a shocking turn of events, Donald Trump won the US presidential election, despite numerous and ongoing polls that had projected Hillary Clinton as the winner.

"We said we'd look at it at the time," the world explained of the outcome. "Well, we looked at it, and we decided that it's completely unacceptable."

After watching in stunned silence over a period of hours as Americans in all corners of the country gradually revealed themselves to be jaw-droppingly ignorant, terrified and hateful, the world poured itself six million stiff drinks and stress-ate forty-five hundred thousand pizzas.

"It's not that the election is rigged or anything — we're not insane and delusional enough to suggest that — but we're just not able to absorb the reality of a Trump presidency at this time."

"Maybe that will change," the world added. "Except that it definitely won't."

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