With divisive characters like Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders just a stone's throw from the White House, many Americans are fixing to be grumpier than a bald eagle at a barbershop. Canada is prepared to welcome these droves of fleeing Americans into our expansive, icy bosom. But what can we, as average Canadians, do to make these immigrants feel at home?

You can always tell when there's an American in town because his voice, a few thousand decibels louder than our soft northern mumblings, carries across the frozen tundra, stirring the majestic moose. Try turning your own volume up to 11, or 90. Where you hear the sound of your own hoarse yelling, they hear the sound of kinship.

Americans are heavy walkers. When they decide where they want to plant their foot, man – ain't nothing gonna stop their foot from going there! If you're used to politely tiptoeing around so as not to bother anyone, this nonsense stops now. In the coming months, all Canadians should make an effort to place five, 10, or even 20-pound weights in all shoes to simulate that Yankee stomp. Yes, pound. Keep your kilograms to yourself.

Don't you know? America hates this letter. As a gesture of goodwill, Canadians should eliminate the U from other words that don't really need it, like "hngry" or "octops" or "mrmr" or warm and welcoming chants of "SA! SA! SA!"

The US is famous for its huge meal portions, which might be why Americans are 10% more obese than us. In an effort to comfort our lost and frightened American friends, it's time to double our puny poutine portions, just like Big Curd has been recommending for years.

Did you know that Americans don't have milk in bags? And that bagged milk confuses and terrifies them? Citizens of Canada: I know we've all been raised since birth to accept a squishy satchel of cow juice as normal, but it's really not. Get rid of it right now and let our lakes and rivers run ivory! If anyone has any ideas for what to do with the billions of hastily snipped tiny plastic triangles, please speak up ASAP.

This one's a little extreme, but true friendship involves sacrifice and a true spirit of selflessness. Here's the deal: Canada's average penis size is 5.4 inches, while American penis size is, on average, only 5.1 inches. Time for a national bris! Sorry!