WASHINGTON, D.C.—Guy Mann, a male spokesman for America's largest glass-ceiling manufacturing company, reports that overnight, his company has witnessed a record 4,000% boost in national sales following Donald Trump's surprise presidential win early Wednesday morning.

Glasswholes, which was founded at the beginning of time, manufactures "durable, shatter-proof glass ceilings", mostly to law firms, MBA programs, med schools, professional sports arenas, stand-up comedy clubs, office buildings, and Hooters restaurants. It also supplies Washington, D.C. with its ubiquitous, expansive glass ceilings, which earned the U.S. capital its long-held nickname, "City of Ubiquitous, Expansive Glass Ceilings".

"In the blessed autumn of 1800 we fitted the White House with a real beauty," recalls Mann, who is 216 years old and standing on a glass ceiling. "The glass was nice and thick. Absurdly thick, some might say. Soundproof, too. It was designed to absorb more than two centuries of women poking it and prodding it and shouting at it, and occasionally attempting, fruitlessly, to break it. God, they're adorable. We would stand on the ceiling and watch them, and have brandies and cigars – it was a merry time!"

Hugh Minnman, CEO of rival company The Glass Is Always Cleaner, says the future of his company is looking equally bright after last night's election result.

"Last night we had orders pouring in from all across America. And we landed a huge job – the White House hired us to come reinforce their ceiling with double-bind 37-inch PlexiFortress ShatterGuard technology. I'll be buying a third cottage is what I'm trying to say."

"I was worried for a hot second last night," Minnman continues, frowning, "that that exquisite antique glass ceiling was gonna get cruelly destroyed. But then I realized I was just being silly. Most of the country has no interest in tampering with it. Also the glass is squeaky clean, so most of the country doesn't even realize it's there."