TORONTO, ON—Canada's foremost pharmacy, Shoppers Drug Mart, has successfully expanded the grocery section of their store, rebranding themselves as less of a drugstore and more of a one-stop shop.

"Every other corporation out there has been doing a bunch of sinister bullshit for years!" says Roy Hartlen, 47, a company executive. "So I figure, why not us too? We don't just need people to buy pills. We need them to keep buying pills. So let's offer them some of the very products that are causing their health problems in the first place."

Hartlen explains that the layout of each store is a key factor in the scheme's effectiveness.

"We keep the pharmacy at the back, so you have to walk by the food. It's genius," he says. "Here for your heart meds, Gramps? We got what you need – but get ready to stroll past a bunch of cheap red meat and chocolate toaster strudel first."

Shoppers Drug Mart does offer healthier products, but it seems they also have methods to help steer customers in the other direction.

"Oh, sure we've got your precious vegetables," Hartlen says wryly. "But let's just say, that's not usually what's on sale. Take a walk down the chips aisle. You MIGHT find a few pretty good deals. Just saying."

It seems as though the expansion into groceries is just the beginning of Shoppers' plans.

"Next year we want to bring in booze, and maybe some cigarettes if we can. Right now we have the tools to make you fat, but let's get you sick, too. Stop by and see us anytime. We've got what you need and the stuff that makes you need it!"