WORLDWIDE—After the Vice Presidential debate achieved low Nielsen ratings Tuesday night, experts are reporting that a staggering 94% of viewers were only tuning in because their prior engagements had fallen through.

"Do you actually think this is anyone's first choice for how to spend an evening?" asked one Longwood University freshman. "It was literally like watching two uncles at a barbecue argue for an hour over an old friend's correct last name. I only watched it cause my Tinder date bailed."

Even more alarming was the fact that the Vice Presidential candidates themselves needed near-constant reminders that the event was even taking place and that their attendance would be required.

Indiana Governor Mike Pence had planned to spend the evening at his home on standby for the delivery of a Pottery Barn dresser and was nearly replaced at the last minute with a similar looking passerby on the street. "The guy looked close enough," lamented the head debate organizer. "Unfortunately, we don't think viewers would have noticed or particularly given a damn, to be honest."

Acknowledging the sheer unimportance and futility of the proceedings, democratic candidate Tim Kaine was livid that he would be missing a Narcos Season 2 binge-watching session with his wife Anne.

"When I phoned in a flimsy excuse I said, Hello, this is Tim Kaine, and the girl just goes um, sorry who?" he recalls.

"Do you know what I want right now?" Kaine continues. "I want to snap my fingers and go back to the good old days where my status as a completely inconsequential human being was totally uncontested. No more of this grey area."

Getting an audience into the debate venue proved to be no easy task. Organizers had to lure in a sea of reluctant onlookers with free swag ranging from Applebee's gift cards to stars and stripes key chains.

Audience member Miles Hawthorne explains: "We were told that we can absolutely sleep, but that if you're going to snore please make sure to do so off camera and away from hot microphones."