Clinton prepares for Trump with mock debates against poop-flinging ape
Ned Petrie | CBC Comedy | Posted: September 26, 2016 6:49 PM | Last Updated: September 26, 2016
HEMPSTEAD, NY—With the outcome of the imminent 2016 election at stake, Hillary Clinton has been preparing for her first Presidential debate against Donald Trump tonight with a rigorous schedule of mock debates against an enraged poop-flinging ape.
According to campaign insiders, Clinton has held 16 practice debates since securing the Democratic nomination – each against Dr. Peepers, an ill-tempered gibbon, who served as a stand-in for the brash GOP nominee.
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While unconventional, many analysts consider Clinton's recent hiring of the former circus performer as a campaign advisor a potentially brilliant strategy.
"Donald Trump is not your average debate opponent," said veteran debate coach Michael O'Donnell. "He's impulsive, unpredictable, and doesn't respect standard decorum. The only way to be ready for that is to practice with the next closest thing, which is, obviously, an angry and territorial ape."
"You want to replicate the circumstances as close to the real thing as possible, which Dr. Peepers provides in spades," added O'Donnell. "The guttural outbursts. The pounding of his fists when he wants to eat more grapes. The throwing of his own feces in the direction of everyone within throwing distance. It's like Donald Trump is right there."
While Dr. Peepers is now considered an invaluable member of the Clinton team, his methods were initially met with skepticism by the rest of her campaign staff.
"Before he joined, we had prepared a thick dossier on Mr. Trump after months of research," said Karen Grunwald, Clinton's media advisor. "And the first thing Dr. Peepers did was tear out all the pages and threw them all over the room. He may have even eaten a few."
"The message was clear," she added. "If we wanted to beat Donald Trump, we had to throw out the rule book. Or at least I think that was the message. It was hard to tell with all the screeching."
Election analysts believe that Dr. Peepers' unconventional techniques have provided Clinton with crucial insight into Trump's psychological makeup. His performances in the mock debates have included the kind of random displays of dominance that Trump used to defeat his GOP rivals in the primaries, including swinging off the walls, bearing his teeth, and urinating on the moderator's head.
But after more than a year of wall-to-wall campaigning, Dr. Peepers' unique strategy may provide Clinton with the edge she needs to win a debate that is expected to be the most watched in history.
According to GOP insiders, Donald Trump has eschewed mock debates for his own form of preparation, opting instead to spend the week "driving around with Newt Gingrich" to "find nerds to yell at."
Hey, remember when there were other candidates? That was fun:
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