PHILADELPHIA, PA—Tyler Novak, a 36-year-old social media specialist for Axe Body Spray and amateur shark tooth necklace collector, reported last night that his childhood was suddenly and irretrievably ruined just moments after Hillary Clinton won the Democratic nomination for president.

"I get that there are three hundred and twenty million people in this country but I'm pretty sure that Hillary chick accepted the nomination to wreck my life specifically," Novak confirms via phone interview from upstate New York, where he's spending the weekend at a paintball tournament with his brothers Tad and A.J.

Novak's childhood refers to an 18-year period between 1980 and 1998 spent in Plattsburgh, New York in a comfortable four-bedroom home where several humourous wooden plaques adorned the walls, featuring such sayings as, "We don't swim in your toilet so don't piss in our pool!" Novak says he enjoyed loving parents who provided ample funding for their sons to play football, compete in ski racing, go hunting on weekends, and eventually earn MBAs at the NYU Stern School of Business – all of which took place under the reassuring and commanding presence of a series of straight white male presidents.

When asked how any of that has been somehow erased or marred by a highly qualified woman earning the right to lead a major political party into a general election a full decade and a half after the end of Novak's childhood, he angrily crushes a can of Mountain Dew Grape Nightmare in his left fist -- his third such drink in an hour.

"Look, it's pretty simple: you don't mess with something that works," he says, exasperated. "People love male presidential candidates. They grew up on that shit. And now all of a sudden we're being spoon fed this PC feminist garbage? No thanks. Hard pass."

"Hillary's acceptance speech last night was like watching a trailer for what she'd be like as president," Novak continues. "And let me tell you something. The trailer was awful. It literally caused me physical pain to watch it. And all those sly little winks and nods to Bill – the original Clinton – were so stupid and annoying."

Novak emphasizes that he's not the only one who feels this way, claiming that a sizeable portion of voters plan to band together and actively refuse to watch Hillary Clinton ever at any time.

"Go on Twitter and check out some of the most whip-smart political commentators in the game," Novak urges. "@bonerwizard55 is good. So is @chadtellsitlikeitis, and @truthcock19."