MONTREAL, QC—After receiving his pre-ordered iPhone 7 today, local Apple enthusiast Adam Corrigan has praised the product for its "sleek new design" and for curing his raging sense of internal emptiness for "exactly 4 hours and 36 minutes."

"I made sure to get an accurate measurement of the time period on my Apple Watch," added the 36 year-old civil servant. "And it was exactly 4 hours and 36 minutes between unboxing the phone and the return of my soul-crushing existential dread. A new record!"

Corrigan, who later attempted to use the new phone as a conversation icebreaker with apathetic co-workers, also commended the product's many new features.

"I love the updates to the camera," said Corrigan. "With the new wide angle lens and 12 megapixel sensor, the pictures will look great when I share them on Instagram to trick myself into thinking my life has any real purpose."

As for Apple's controversial decision to replace the headphone jack with a single all-purpose port, Corrigan believes the media is too critical.

"Personally, I don't mind switching over to a new headphone system," said Corrigan. "Having to buy AirPods gives me a good reason to leave the house and forget about my mortality for a bit."

But Corrigan saved his greatest praise for the iPhone 7's ability to delay his unending angst for over four and a half hours.

"I pride myself on being an early adopter of new technology," said Corrigan while suppressing an urge to scream at the top of his lungs. "And the new iPhone is the best I've ever experienced at helping me ignore the brutal dissatisfaction that is the human condition. For a moment, my certainty of my own unimportance was replaced with Apple's sleek new buttonless design. My ever-mounting sense of general frustration was drowned out by the iPhone's fancy waterproof sapphire glass casing."

Corrigan, who often feels nostalgic for a past he knows never existed, said his ennui only returned after 276 minutes, a period he says represents the longest sustained feeling of joy he's felt since "adulthood killed [his] spirit."

"It's a great phone and I highly recommend it," concluded the tech-savvy Apple fan. "Will it give your life the meaning you can't define but are constantly longing for? No. But if you're looking for a cool, functional way to pass your precious limited time on this earth, this is the phone for you!"