TORONTO, ON—In a speech at the University of Toronto last night, venture capitalist and former U of T student Walter Karlsson addressed a packed auditorium, advising the leaders of tomorrow that the key to prospering during economic uncertainty is to have unimaginably wealthy parents.

"People will tell you, 'You have to spend money to make money,' but they never tell you where that money comes from. Truth is, that money comes from your parents," Karlsson attested.

In the mid-2000s, Karlsson earned a reputation as one of Silicon Valley's most prolific investors, funneling large sums of his family's fortune into then-fledgling companies such as Facebook, Netflix, and Google, yielding huge returns on the money he sacrificed nothing to obtain.

But for Karlsson, the road to success has hardly been free from adversity. "Being born into grotesque affluence wasn't easy," he explained. "From a young age I yearned to break free of my golden, gem-encrusted shackles and make my own way in this world."

The Karlsson family is one of Canada's wealthiest dynasties – heirs to a vast oil fortune that no one in generations had had to lift a finger to earn.

"Walter wasn't born with a silver spoon in his mouth," Wilma Karlsson, Walter's mother, laughs dismissively as she perches upon a human bench formed by her manservant Gerrard. "It was more like a silver ladle."

"Quit squirming or you'll get the hose again!" she snaps. "Anyway, where was I?"

During his hour-long self-indulgent pontification, Karlsson attributed much of his success to the semester-and-a-half he spent at U of T.

"Walter was hands-down one of the worst students I've ever had," recalls professor of economics Richard Scofield. "It's a real testament to his character that he still managed to occasionally show up to class and pay other students to do his work for him."

Feeling burdened by the confines of academic life, Karlsson dropped out of university and set his sights on the IT industry. "I left home for Silicon Valley with nothing more than the shirt on my back and twenty-million dollars of startup capital given to me by mom and dad."

Karlsson closed his speech yesterday by admitting that he's no stranger to failure. "Sure, I've made some bad investments. A lot of them, in fact. I honestly don't know anything about investing. I just blindly throw money around until it somehow becomes more money."

When asked in the Q&A what hope there is for those not born into the 1%, Karlsson shrugged his shoulders.

"Have you considered getting adopted by rich people?"