If you want to cough in your own home, that’s fine, but if you’re going to travel you now must book yourself as a cougher or non-cougher. It will be $50 extra to board a coughing flight, $375 if phlegm is involved.

She’s answering your texts, she hasn’t hated any of your clothes in a while, and as far as you know, you’re still on for your date Thursday. Surely everything is fine.