Rio Olympics looking for new security commander, apply within

Welcome to the weird road to the Rio Olympics, where one of the people in charge of keeping fans safe is no longer around (likely due to wanting to be safe himself).

Help wanted: 1 Olympic security commander

If you are heading to the Olympics and are interested in hiring a personal bodyguard (and you should be), you're in luck: there will be at least one more available for employment after next week.

But, the downside is that this person used to be a security commander for the Games.

Colonel Adilson Moreira stepped down from his post as head of the National Force for Public Security, which means that this particular position has opened up. Since President Dilma Rousseff is still a little tied up with defending her impeachment proceedings, please take the initiative and forward any resumes directly to the Brazilian government.

Glass half empty

Remember when the IOC president said he wasn't worried about lagging ticket sales, that only half of the ones available were sold? Because it's Brazilian "culture" to plan late?

Well, that same nation, and its culture, is very concerned about lagging ticket sales.

Some scalpers aren't fazed by the poor sales, nor the lack of actual physical tickets being distributed, and are already scalping…something. Possibly IOUs.

OK, glass completely empty

Adding to the misery, construction of a key Olympics venue has been halted due to the massive corruption scandal gripping the country.

Reports have surfaced that crime in the notorious favelas in Rio is spiking in the lead-up to the Games.

Security experts are concerned that the Olympic torch could be a prime target for any protests (likely) targeting the Brazilian government, its scandals, the Olympics, the crushing nationwide recession, frustration with bankrolling two astronomically expensive events in two years during said recession, Brazil's 7-1 loss to Germany in that last expensive event held in the country — and about a few dozen more legitimate issues that they could protest about right now.*

*This is probably the ideal place to remind you about that whole hiring a personal bodyguard if you're attending the Olympics.

The glass has been stolen

You may think this possibly can't get any worse right now, as you consider that this might be the shakiest lead-up to an Olympics in a very long time.

And that's when you find out about the potential swine flu outbreak.

Which is where we come to what could be the smartest idea of the last month.

And we didn't even mention the water this week...