Red wine research: a study in contradictions

As we all know, red wine is terrific for your health, but also, it has no health benefits whatsoever. It's loaded with antioxidants, except it doesn't have many antioxidants at all, and the ones it does contain can't be absorbed. You should drink a lot of it, as long as you don't drink very much.

When it comes to red wine, the science is very clear: the results of every study very clearly contradict the results of every other study. Last week, for example, we learned that red wine might actually slow the growth of bacteria on your teeth -- reinforcing the conclusions of previous studies that suggest it protects against tooth decay.

So you should drink red wine, with a caveat: you shouldn't drink red wine. As you know or don't know, red wine contains "resveratrol" -- a compound whose name cannot be said after you've had any red wine at all. And in a study earlier this month, scientists concluded that the compound does not reduce inflammation, heart disease, or cancer. These conclusions are the final conclusions -- unlike the previous, non-conclusive conclusions, which were that resveratrol reduces inflammation, heart disease, and cancer.

Also, red wine will improve bone mineral density in menopausal women, unless you drink too much of it, or unless it doesn't. And drinking red wine will protect your eyes from macular degeneration, if you drink it in moderation -- but if you drink it in moderation, you won't get enough of the compound that might protect your eyes from macular degeneration, plus that study was only done on mice, so who knows, really.

We could go on, but, as often happens when you consume too many red wine studies, we're getting a headache. Let's just agree that in vino veritas, and that nobody really knows what the veritas is.