Woman to offset week of binge drinking with a pomegranate juice
LUCAN, ON—Following a seven-day period of raging alcohol abuse that wreaked havoc on her body, mind, soul, loved ones, employers and pets, Jessica Kollach plans on reversing all the effects of her boozy rampage with a tasty serving of pomegranate juice today.
"Good god, my head feels like Meat Loaf's bike seat. I'm so dehydrated that my eyes make a smacking noise when I blink and I don't know why, but the back of my knee is bleeding," Kollach groaned from the comfort of the crack of space between her fridge and her stove.
"A lone bottle of pomegranate juice'll clear all that up for sure."
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"After a week of ribfests, illuminati sex parties and Skid Row tribute band concerts, I like to wipe the health slate clean, fire back a crisp PJ and let it work its magic. It's like CLR for having done tons of booze."
Pomegranate juice is known as a superfood thanks to its panoply of health benefits, including high levels of vitamins C and E, as well as significant folic acid content. Kollach hypothesizes that the rich nectar possesses even more beneficial effects.
"Hooch totally snipes your brain cells, but I think pomegranates are made of the same stuff brain cells are made of, "she confidently informed her dish rack, "so after drinking it, the juice particles swim up from your belly and into your head to become new brain."
"Check it out," Kollach continued, raising her No Fear t-shirt, "you can see my heartbeat in my liver through my skin. 591ml of the red stuff and that liver'll shrivel back up to the size of a pea. That's that mondo antioxidant ish."
"Plus it's supposed to stop Alzheimer's right in its bitch-ass tracks," she blurted while for the third time in an hour checking the fridge to make sure she indeed bought pomegranate juice.
"Studies suggest pomegranate juice may even stop cancer cell growth," Kollach revealed, although nutritionists agree that no amount of pomegranate juice will help her receive forgiveness for lighting her niece's hair on fire with the lit cigarette she used to "put a bow on" her Willem Dafoe impression.
"Pretty sure I crashed my ex's family barbecue last night and wished malaria on all his elders," Kollach thought aloud, horking a loogie into an 80% empty Clamato bottle. "Thank Christ for pomegranate juice."
Right before passing out while the Netflix welcome screen was still loading up, Kollach had reportedly stocked the kitchen counter with all the ingredients she'll need to make tomorrow morning's pomegranate juice and vodka.
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