Turtleneck worn to cover up turtle neck tattoo
BRANDON, MB—"What can I say? I was really into turtles," explains Josh Tanner, who has eighteen tattoos of turtles adorning his neck. "That's a snapping turtle, a sea turtle, Turtle from Entourage, Yertle the Turtle, all four Ninja Turtles, a chocolate Turtle...the list goes on."
In his late teens, Tanner spent over $5,000 covering his neck with turtles after reading an inaccurate Zodiac calendar on a placemat in a Chinese restaurant. "Apparently, I was born in the Year of the Turtle. And at the time I was looking for a meaningful tattoo to piss off my dad," he reminisces. "Years later, I found out there is no Year of the Turtle. I really wish I'd checked more placemats."
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Hank Tanner, Josh's father, feels responsible for his son's regretful tattoos. "He knew how to push my buttons in those days," Hank sighs. "Each time he'd get a new tattoo, I'd freak out. I wish I'd just told him how cool he looked when he got the first one, and then none of this would have happened."
My old tattoo friends don't call much anymore. I guess it's because I'm a turtleneck guy now.- Josh Tanner
Tanner says it is difficult to find gainful employment. "Tattoo discrimination is real, especially when your tattoos are ridiculous and in a place where everyone can see them," he laments. "I thought about getting them removed but my dermatologist told me that the amount of lasers it would require might cut my head clean off."
However, Tanner says he recently found a way to cope with his unfortunate tattoo choices while shopping at The Gap.
"They had these shirts I'd never seen before. They looked like sweaters but the neck just kept going," he recounts. "I asked a sales associate what they were called and she just laughed at me until she turned purple. When she finally caught her breath she told me they were turtlenecks. I assumed they were designed for people in my situation, so I bought nine."
Tanner says life in a turtleneck is hardly free from adversity. "People yell 'Paul Simon' from cars a lot," he bemoans. "My old tattoo friends don't call much anymore. I guess it's because I'm a turtleneck guy now."
Tanner reports that he has had to adjust his lifestyle to accommodate his new sweaters. "I bought circle frame glasses and I've been performing slam poetry on a regular basis. Lentil soup, listening to a lot of CBC Radio 2, moved to Montreal, you know the drill."
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