Trump officially declares 12:33:18:09 pm International Women's Millisecond

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Insisting that a whole day in March is simply too much, President Donald J. Trump has officially declared 12:33:18:09 pm International Women's Millisecond.

"Folks, we're going to take one little moment every day to honour all those terrific broads in our lives," Trump said at a press conference yesterday morning. "Believe you me. This full-day-each-year crap stops now."

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The first International Women's Millisecond parade has already taken place. It involved a 100-piece marching band congregating on a rainy street, simultaneously blowing a single F sharp note three seconds after the holiday had ended and then taking nearly eight hours to painstakingly clean up and go home.

International Women's Millisecond has what may be a very inspiring slogan but so far can only be described as "He — !"

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan celebrated the holiday by attempting to call his mother, but only got as far as almost dialing a six before having to hang up.

The holiday is a small part of Trump's pledge to focus on women's rights. According to sources, the president is also considering a motion that will allow abortions in cases of "being a solid 10."

"You see some of these women, terrific women, great-looking women. They decide to have kids and boom, it all goes away. I can't tell you how many times I've seen this. So if you're a real 10, we're going to make it so that this won't be the case for you anymore."

Trump has additionally scheduled a G8 Summit in Geneva for later this year that will address the abysmal opportunities for "total knockouts" in developing nations.

"Nowadays if you want to meet a great guy, it's all done on the internet. These people have never heard of a computer, most of them. It's awful. So we're going to make sure that some of the true knockouts get the support they need to start their lives. Enough is enough."

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