Trump eats live scorpion just to feel something
WASHINGTON, D.C.—"I can eat anything, trust me," announced President Donald Trump to nervous White House staff this morning, moments before eating a live scorpion, hopeful the experience would elicit his first ever human emotion.
"I've got the best palate, I've eaten at the world's best restaurants. I'm going to eat this the best. Believe me."
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"The president typically enjoys a burnt steak with a large glass of chocolate milk for dinner," says White House executive chef Cristeta Comerford. "People say the president is a picky eater. Sure, he's never tried lettuce, but have his critics ever eaten a living scorpion?"
"That is an Arizona Bark Scorpion. I would not recommend eating one alive, or dead for that matter," says scorpiologist Skeengen Megnusson, who was hired to monitor the event and assist the president when it inevitably went horribly awry.
"It's the most venomous scorpion in North America. I offered to bring one that was less venomous but he insisted on eating an American species. I told him it was just named after the state of Arizona and can be found just as commonly in Mexico, but he'd made up his mind."
"I applaud the president for acknowledging that he lacks a full range of emotions, or any emotions for that matter, but eating a scorpion is certainly not going to unearth some fleeting feeling buried deep in his pitch black soul," says Professor Rachel Barr of the Georgetown University psychology department. "I'm no scorpiologist, but I have the feeling it will just make him very ill."
"Here we go!" showboated Trump with a thumbs-up before opening his mouth and swallowing the scorpion with one gulp. "See? No problem." At that point, the president's face turned red and his eyes began to water. "A-OK!"
"Amazing, he swallowed it like a duck," remarks Madeline Westerhout, Trump's personal secretary. "It looked like it fell directly into his stomach. The president has a very big mouth."
"I got the best feelings, I got more feelings than anyone, I've had them all along," responds Trump when asked how the experience made him feel.
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go get my stomach pumped. Not because I have to, because I'm the best at getting my stomach pumped, you'll love to see me getting it pumped, it's the greatest."
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