Tightrope sprinter dies of known causes

WHISTLER, B.C.—After a series of loud, totally preventable crashing sounds followed by a blood-curdling scream of "BUT, MY LEGACY...!" Canadian tightrope sprinter Anthony "Twinkle Toes" Ramirez died this morning at 38.

While a coroner's report cites "known causes" as the official cause of death, there is speculation that Twinkle Toes' demise was actually the result of him attempting a mad dash across a three-centimetre-wide tightrope 130 feet above the ground.

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"We were all yelling things like stop, please, think about your family," said the tourist who recovered Ramirez's left forearm. "He just couldn't be swayed."

An avid follower of tightrope walking since his youth, Twinkle Toes became an infamous heckler at national tournaments, shouting things like, "HEY, PICK UP THE PACE!" and "LET'S GO! I'VE GOT A LIFE TO GET BACK TO!" until finally deciding to take up the activity himself.

"I think he just wanted to make tightrope walking a little less time-consuming for the spectator," his father Glenn remarked. "Generous, really."

While friends and family applaud Twinkle Toes' bravery, they also concede that his life may have been spared had he bothered to practice the art even a single time beforehand.

"He actually did practice once," said a friend who wishes to remain anonymous, named Brad Gower*. "But the rope was only one foot above the ground. He sort of rubbed his hands together, built up to this healthy run and fell off literally the second his foot touched the rope. I said to him, 'Hey man, you fell there. Want to try again?' but he kind of just winked at me and patted me on the shoulder and said 'See you Monday.' I guess he didn't want to consume too much of my time, either. Again, generous."

Sadly, Twinkle Toes' untimely death will prevent him from tackling other athletic pursuits he expressed an interest in, such as Boiling Water Polo.

*Editor's note: Brad Gower lives at 329 Valley Close St, apartment 211. He has short, brown hair and his credit card number is (VISA) 4520 8300 9722 2092. Expiry 09/19. Three-digit identification number 333. Don't call time-out in the middle of an interview to take an unreasonably long number two, dipshit. Especially when you've left your wallet in your Joe Fresh trench coat. On a totally separate note, you have my sincerest condolences.

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