The Leafs may not have a cup, but they have us: the worst fans in the world

Do you feel that chill in the air? The NHL season is just around the corner. And as a proud member of #LeafsNation, this means strapping in for another season of Toronto Maple Leafs hockey.

Yes, it's true that the Leafs haven't won a Stanley Cup in 50 years. But you know what they do have?

They have us: The worst fans in the world.

As a Leafs fan, I feel it's my duty to help my team in my own way. Whenever I go to a game, I'm always sure to show up midway through the second period and stay totally silent, looking down at my phone so my boys can concentrate out there, except for loudly booing every time there's an icing call.

My corporate legal firm worked hard for those tax-deductible season tickets and I intend to make the most out them by taking a selfie and hashtagging it #ThatGoldSeatLifeTho before going back to trawling Tinder until there's about 10 minutes left in the third period, whereupon I leave.

Beating traffic is a vital part of honouring the blue and white.

But any true member of Leafs Nation knows that being a fan doesn't end at the final buzzer (or is it a bell? I've never been there to hear it). If you as much as mention the year 1967 (the last time the Leafs won the cup), I'll get right in your face and demand my buddy Smitty hold me back, even if you were just talking about the year A Man For All Seasons won the Oscar for Best Picture.

Smitty gets it.

Any and all conversations about the greatest hockey player of all time will be met with chants of "DOUGIE!'" that will swiftly put an end to all debate. I won't hear any talk of Orrs, Howes or Gretzkys, unless you're referring to the Toronto bar on Blue Jays Way I was recently arrested outside of. Listen, if those kids didn't want to hear those words they shouldn't have been wearing Senators jerseys.

What can I say? Not all superstars wear skates.

To be honest, I'm pretty excited about this young, talented team. I know a budding superstar like Auston Matthews needs to handled in just the right way. That's why I make sure to call into sports talk radio and criticize his every move, speculate about trading him, and question his commitment to the team. And if one day Matthews decides that the suffocating viper pit that is the Toronto media is not worth his trouble, I'll be sure to defame him on his way out of town, saying that he was never a true Leaf.

Look: I know 1967 was a long time ago. Was smallpox still a problem? You bet. Had man walked on the moon yet? Not even close. Is the time since the Leafs last won the cup longer than the life expectancy in Chad? Yes, barely. But the only Chad I care about is Chad Kilger, Leafs right-winger from 2003-7.

Winning isn't everything. Sometimes it's about passing on the legacy of being absolutely insufferable to the next generation of Leafs fans – something I look forward to doing for my three boys Wendel, Bower, and TieDomi.

See you October 4th.

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