THE FUTURE IS NOW: Canadian Tire money to be replaced with 'Loyalty Microchip' drilled into customers' skulls

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – As the pioneer of retail loyalty programs in Canada, Canadian Tire's iconic "Money"® has long been synonymous with the rewarding consumer experience Canadian Tire fans love. But as customer behaviour evolves, so too must Canadian Tire's beloved paper "currency" adapt to these changing times.

Today we are proud to introduce the Canadian Tire Loyalty Chip™, the easy new way to merge your consciousness with our quarterly profit goals.

Implanted directly into the skulls of customers, Loyalty Chips merge the value and fun of traditional Canadian Tire money with the convenience of 21st century nanotechnology. Instead of cumbersome physical bills or plastic cards taking up space in your wallet, Loyalty Chips easily track points, purchases, and rewards by storing them into the brains of customers. No paper. No apps. No hassle.

"As the creator of Canada's first loyalty program in 1958, Canadian Tire has always been at the forefront of customer rewards innovation," said Chief Operating Officer Albert McGrath. "Today, we build on that legacy with an exciting platform our loyal customers will love. And I'm not just saying that because the microchip will enable us to control their emotions."

After a simple one-time surgical "initiation", Canadian Tire shoppers will experience the many new benefits of the Loyalty Chip system, including customized product suggestions uploaded directly into their minds and "proto-sales" that deliver pre-authorized purchases they didn't realize they wanted to make yet.

"We at Canadian Tire understand the mental energy it takes to buy things," explains Chief Technology Officer Bill Steeves. "So with our new program, customers can now enjoy detaching themselves from their consciousness and let the microchip do the work."

"Loyalty Chip is always on, always connected, and always conveniently mining data to improve the member experience," he adds. "All our customers have to do is live their lives as usual and comply with the decisions the chip makes on their behalf."

"Or else."

While the advantages of the Loyalty Chip program are undeniable, Canadian Tire understands that some may be hesitant initially to submit to this bold new direction. But the company believes strongly that customers will accept the program in time.

"We know that Canadian Tire money held a special place in the hearts of Canadians, and the thought of no longer receiving it may be difficult to comprehend," said McGrath with appropriate sympathy. "But for what it's worth, customers will still experience the sensation of giving and spending our beloved coupons each time they make a purchase."

"And I do mean that literally," he continues. "The chip will enter their minds to implant false memories of our famous tam o' shanter-wearing man and his stylized wax mustache, so they can still enjoy the warm, fuzzy feeling that comes with getting a great deal."

To join the program, customers are compelled to visit their local Canadian Tire. Sign up is mandatory with all purchases.

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