THE BARB WIRE: The earth's Barbs wrote an annual holiday letter in unison

Well, we lost a few this year. It was inevitable. R.I.P. to:

• Barb Willicker (Needlepoint accident)
• Barb Doppler (Said the word "downright" so forcefully that it triggered a cardiac event)
• Barb Bargains (Peacefully while nursing a Yellow Tail smoothie and watching Maid in Manhattan on VHS)
• Barb Hedgeman (Whoops, we accidentally ran her over in the Milestones parking lot with the communal Airstream trailer all us Barbs live in together)

In other news, NO NEW BARBS WERE BORN IN 2017, so we're very troubled to report that numbers are down. Cherished friends and family, PLEASE do what is in your power to convince those around you to name any future children "Barb". It is a sensible, sturdy name. The Bristol board of names. The tan-loafers-from-Naturalizer of identities.

Picture it: an adorable infant girl, cooing softly in her tiny rainboots, a little onesie with a pink unicorn on the front. You lean into her stroller. "How ya been, Barb?" you ask her as you slap her heartily on the shoulder. Gently, okay – she barely exists. Anyhow. Writes itself.

A second anyhow, we've had a great year zipping around in the Airstream, first down to Arizona to escape this nutso Canadian winter we've been having. Cold enough for all ya non-Barbs out there?! Guess that whole climate change thing isn't real after all!

From there, we basically followed the Michael Bublé tour across the Southern United States, stopping every few hours to stock up on knee-length khaki shorts and bedazzled fanny packs. With the dollar being what it is, can we afford NOT to scoop up these hot, hot bargains?? No. No we cannot.

As you can probably imagine, cramming the earth's Barbs into one flippin' Airstream comes with its challenges. Shout-out to Barb Kirkhead for pointing out that we needed a new septic tank this year, researching the options for weeks on Yahoo Answers, and then organizing a Lunge-A-Thon to raise the funds. Not to mention the fun!

For those who are wondering, we Barbs stave off boredom on the road by diving headfirst into these hefty topics:

• Ointments
• The Black & Decker slow cooker
• Who the heck stole Barb's Activia Performance Yogurt from the mini-fridge???? Everyone labels her stuff "BARB", so we're really not sure what the issue is here.

While on the road, we don't shy away from a spirited debate, no sir. Not these Barbs. There's been some hot, passionate disagreement in the Airstream this month around the ideal number of "bars" in the name "Barbara". Barb Bigwheel thinks two is fine, but Barb Heckles wants to jack it up to three, even four, even five "bars"!! Can you imagine?! Barbarbarbarbara Heckles, you're crazy in the head! She's petitioning the government's name change bureau and planning a follow-up fax next week. Anyhow, we'll keep you posted as things develop. Sheesh!

Wishing you continued health and happiness this Christmas season, and may you all find a great deal on a Black & Decker slow cooker in 2018.

With love,

The earth's Barbs

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